There’s not a day goes by we don’t think of babies we lost
Lesley Buchanan and her husband Gordon have suffered the death of all three of their unborn children. They will ring a bell for each of them at a special service tomorrow FRIDAY
LESLEY Buchanan never got to hold the three babies she lost during pregnancy – but she’ll never forget them.
She’s 42 and has accepted she will now never have children. But she still grieves the loss of what her babies might have become.
Lesley lives in Clarkston, near Glasgow, with husband Gordon, 40. She’ll be heading to a special service at Glasgow Cathedral tomorrow where she’ll ring a hand bell three times in memory of her three babies who were never born.
The bell will be passed around during the Saying Goodbye service run by The Mariposa Trust for anyone affected by baby loss during pregnancy, at birth or in infancy.
Other services will be held in Inverness and Aberdeen and the charity also offer ongoing support.
Lesley finds it comforting going to the charity service every year since the miscarriages.
She said: “You love your child from the second you find out you’re pregnant. I was talking to my baby all the time and rubbing my stomach and eating right and doing everything out of love.
“I think it’s difficult for some people to understand how it can be so painful and heart-breaking because you haven’t met the baby.
“But it’s the loss of everything – what they would look like, what BY MARIA CROCE their personality would be, their first day of school through to university and them getting married and having babies.
“It’s the loss of everything that could have been. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of those babies and who they might have been.” Lesley first got pregnant in 2009. At about 10 weeks, Lesley began to bleed and a scan revealed her worst fears that she had lost the baby.
Lesley said: “I was devastated and guilty. You think that it’s something you’ve done.
“I felt embarrassed about being so upset about losing something I didn’t actually have.”
Lesley found details of The Mariposa Trust and Saying Goodbye online. She realised there were others who had faced similar losses. “It’s like someone gave me permission to grieve,” she said.
She attended a Saying Goodbye service the following year. “It was terribly sad but also wonderful to be able to stand with other people who knew exactly how you felt.”
She was offered the chance to ring a hand bell during the service to signify each loss.
She said: “Hearing these chimes is heart-breaking but also very comforting because everyone there is in the same situation and we all know how each other feels.”
Lesley and Gordon were referred for IVF – then Lesley got pregnant naturally in 2012. Although they got to hear the baby’s heartbeat at seven weeks during a scan, they lost the baby the following week.
Pregnant again in January 2013, they lost the baby at six weeks.
Tests did not reveal a reason for their heartache. They decided against pursuing IVF and Lesley didn’t get pregnant again.
She suffered a breakdown, depression, anxiety and panic attacks and lost her job as a supermarket admin manager.
She got herself back on track through counselling and support.
Lesley has a tattoo of three butterflies over her shoulder, a butterfly chain around her neck and other butterflies around her home. Her rescue dogs Ice and Kody have helped her heal.
She launched a cake business called The Three Butterflies Bakery – a name she has chosen as a symbol of her three babies.
She said: “It’s my way of honouring those three lives.”
Saying Goodbye services will be held at Glasgow Cathedral tomorrow, St Andrew’s Cathedral in Inverness on Wednesday and St Andrew’s Cathedral in Aberdeen on Saturday, September 29.
More information can be found at www.sayinggoodbye.org
It was terribly sad but also wonderful to stand with other people who knew how you felt