DEAR COLEEN
I’ve fallen in love with my lodger and don’t know what to do
Dear Coleen
I STAYED friendly with my next-door neighbour after his wife left him and they divorced. He ended up moving in with me and became my lodger because he had nowhere else to live.
I was lonely and recovering from breast cancer – and had also been burgled – so it was good for me too.
We became lovers and that’s how it’s been for two years now. I also cook, clean and shop for him.
At the start, we each said we didn’t want commitment but I’ve grown fond of him. He told me recently he wants to stop having sex because he fancies someone else, and I feel so upset because he’s still living in my house. I feel rejected.
This relationship was special to me because I hadn’t had one for more than 12 years. He has been kind to me all along at a very challenging time, but always a bit aloof. His wife was very unkind to him and hurt him badly.
I feel so sad about this and I’ve tried to tell him, but he just says we agreed “no commitment” and that I’ll always be his special friend, but we just won’t have sex.
I’m finding this hard to bear, but he’ll have nowhere to go if I throw him out.
The thought of him being with another woman is awful and I’ve warned him not to bring her back to my house. I’m 67 and he’s 59. Help!
Coleen says
I THINK he has to move out. I don’t think there’s any other way to move forward.
Your feelings run deeper than his and, as much as you’ll feel hurt to see him go, I don’t think you’ll be able to cope with him seeing another woman while living with you. Yes, it’s true that he’s been honest from the beginning and didn’t promise you anything other than companionship and sex and, no, you can’t tell him how to live his life.
However, the goalposts have changed because you want more and in your head there was commitment.
You were cooking and shopping for him, and treating him like a proper partner, and he was willing to go along with it.
It happens such a lot in ‘no-strings’ arrangements that start out fine and then one person falls in love and wants the kind of commitment that the other is unwilling to give.
I’m not suggesting you kick him out on the street, but have a time frame for him moving out, so he starts looking for alternative accommodation now. He can’t have his cake and eat it. Tell him that while you thought you could handle a friends-with-benefits arrangement, you can’t.
Your feelings have changed and it’s hurting you.