Cancer treatment has devastated my world

Dear Coleen

TWO years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had my left leg amputated in the hope that this would halt it. It was a “lose my leg, but gain my life” line of thought. It failed.

Two months later, I started chemo and radiotherapy at the same time. It was brutal. It failed.

Next, I underwent major surgery to remove lymph glands from my groin, stump and tummy. It failed. I’m now terminal at the age of 47.

Out of the blue, I was offered the chance to join a trial of immunotherapy. Overall, this drug extends life in four out of 10 people. I am on the drug now and hoping it might work for me.

Here is the problem – I’m devastated. Devastated at losing my leg, at the thought of dying and by my appearance. I rarely go out these days as everybody stares at me.

I go home sobbing, wishing the ground would swallow me up. I don’t know how to look good any more. I don’t know what to wear with a stump or how to put on make-up to hide my sallow skin and it just looks stupid on me. I haven’t had my hair cut for over a year because I find it difficult to sit in the hard chairs for long.

I have the most amazing husband, who has supported and cared for me throughout my illness. I couldn’t have managed without him.

He is phenomenal. I long to be held by him and to be loved physically again but I feel disgusting.

The saddest thing is, my husband has no photos of me. He feels very sad that when I die he’ll have no pictures to look at and think of me. I just can’t bear to see myself in a mirror, a photo or even a reflection in a glass window. I’m not me any more. How do I go about feeling better?

Coleen says

WHAT strength you have and what an incredible woman you are – that’s what your husband sees in you and that’s what he loves. But you can’t be strong all the time and it’s OK to allow your defences to come down and tell your husband, your friends, family and your doctors how you feel. I know it must be impossible some days to see any positives in your situation, but you are still here, waking up every morning with someone who loves you and I really hope you benefit from the drug trial.

The toll on your appearance is clearly affecting you. This isn’t a minor thing in my book as it affects your sense of wellbeing, too. Have you considered a mobile hairdresser?

I’m sure you know this but you can call Cancer Research UK nurses confidentially on freephone 0808 800 4040, 9am-5pm, Mon-Fri, and get support at cancerchat.org.uk.

I wish you all the luck in the world – and do let me know how you get on.

I can’t bear the sight of myself in a photo or mirror