England counted their chickens before they’d been dispatched
THIS was the year the world went a bit mad. KFC stores across the country ground to a halt due to a shortage of chicken. Upset customers had to go cold turkey. Or whatever else they could find in the fridge.
The problem was their new delivery service managed by DHL.
In fairness, they tried to deliver the chicken but the Colonel wasn’t in, so they had to leave it all with the neighbour next door.
DHL blamed the problem on a large order of eggs that came in at the same time. And they weren’t sure which to deliver first.
A KFC spokesperson claimed they were “working flat out all hours to clear the backlog”. Which is ironically what I have to do in the toilet after I’ve eaten a KFC.
England vs Tunisia at the World Cup briefly became the most watched TV programme of 2018, beating the royal wedding.
Interestingly, both events ended the same way. With a boy called Harry lying flat on his back, knackered after scoring.
Ross Kemp’s mad half-naked war cry after the England-Colombia game went viral. Mainly under the headline “I see yer da’s taken the divorce well”.
Hopes are he’ll feature in a new series of “Ross Kemp on Gangs”, where he’s kidnapped by the cast of Narcos.
Prince William tweeted that he couldn’t be prouder of the England team. Mainly because it cheered up the family after Germany got pumped the week before.
But all that was trumped by the wedding of Harry and Meghan.
It’s been six months now and somewhere in Windsor, that American preacher is still only halfway through his sermon. Bishop Michael Curry
SCIENTISTS have discovered a robot that can put together an Ikea chair in nine minutes. Sure thing. Now all you have to do is build the robot from scratch. Which should take nine months, 14 Allen keys and a masters degree in engineering.
said he wanted us all to feel closer to God. By the time he was done, half the folk watching looked closer to death.
Talking of Meghan, new research reveals she’s actually part Scottish.
So during the next few months, expect her to lose her royal status on goal difference to a princess from Costa Rica.
My personal highlight is that Harry and Meghan are now the Earl and Countess of Dumbarton.
Which hopefully means they’ll have to take all future holidays in Luss and appear as extras on River City.
At least they can do that on the cheap – or for a princely wee sum. Ahh thanks for the memories 2018...
In February, a police officer was suspended for stealing a colleague’s biscuits.
A similar thing happened to my pal. He got in trouble at work for eating a Penguin. He was sacked from Edinburgh Zoo.
In the autumn, US lingerie giant Victoria’s Secret opened its first high street store in Scotland.
To celebrate, they launched their first ever thermal range.
Scottish men were drooling as they walked past the shop window in Glasgow city centre. Mainly because it’s two doors down from a branch of Greggs.