We tried for baby for 4 years.. but when I finally fell pregnant I was so convinced I’d be terrible mum that I secretly hoped I’d have a miscarriage
Former STV star urges other women to seek help
FORMER STV news presenter Hayley Matthews has told how prenatal depression left her secretly hoping for a miscarriage.
The 38-year-old was so convinced she was going to be a terrible mum that she even looked into having an abortion.
But with the help of counselling Hayley got through the “worst nine months of my life”.
The mum of two gave birth to baby Oryn and is now recovering.
Hayley is now speaking out to remind women they “can’t be everything to everyone” – and that there’s no such thing as the “perfect mum”.
She fell pregnant with her second son after four years of trying with partner Kenny Maddison, 37.
But instead of feeling thrilled, she was struck with depression and held off telling anyone apart from Kenny that she was expecting.
Hayley, from Edinburgh, said: “I didn’t tell many people I was pregnant as I knew I’d made a terrible decision and would make a terrible mum. “I used to tell myself, ‘I asked for this’. “I thought if I had a miscarriage it might be the best thing.
“It was horrible. I knew deep down but it felt like someone had taken over my head.
“I’d had a quick search on the internet about abortions and the procedure.
“I was sitting there crying and thinking ‘I can’t do that but I don’t think I’m strong enough to have a baby.’
“It was six months before I told anyone – I couldn’t face saying the words.
“It was a slow process before I felt better about it.
“These first few weeks have been amazing and I’m over the moon.
“There is part of me which feels guilty about how bad I felt at the start, and at the time there was part of me that hoped Mother Nature would end the pregnancy for me.
“I just can’t get my head around it because I felt like a completely different person.
“I look at him and think, ‘I’m so glad I didn’t do anything stupid’.”
Hayley loved her job as a Live at Five presenter but quit in 2017 to spend more time with son Harris, now six, after years of “guilt” at missing out due to being so busy with work.
She decided to go freelance and got pregnant very soon after, which meant she had to stop taking medication she had been prescribed for anxiety. Hayley said: “I was working as a TV presenter – thousands of people had gone for the job. But I realised that my mental health and my family were more important.
“I never wanted to be on telly to be famous, I just wanted to tell people’s stories.
“I was leaving for work at 7am and getting home at 8.30pm – it was like being on a treadmill.
“Being able to take my son to school
and dropping him off at breakfast club, being able to take him to the park, being able to ask him what he wants for dinner, are really important to me.”
Switching for a busy job “to then being freelance and sitting there every day trying to find the motivation to email people was hard,” said Hayley. “It was a very different pace of life. “I don’t think I was in the frame of mind to fall pregnant.”
Within six months, she was expecting her second child but with no close family nearby in Edinburgh, Hayley began to seriously doubt whether she was fit to be a mother.
She was plagued by thoughts she wasn’t strong enough but now realises it was part of the feelings she had about trying to “be everything”. Doctors caring for her at the start of the pregnancy decided to take her off anti-anxiety medication.
She said: “I was told to cut back on tablets and eventually had no choice. When you have that responsibility for a life growing inside you, the pressure seems huge.
“I was on the verge of making some very bad decisions.
“I couldn’t have an abortion as it was not right for me but I didn’t want to be responsible for a child.”
With the help of a counsellor, Hayley began to talk through her fears. She was gradually put back on a low dose of the medication and towards the end of the pregnancy began to feel a glimmer of excitement.
But she was still haunted by fears she would struggle to cope.
Hayley said: “Our bodies are like fuel tanks. If you’re running low on serotonin (a chemical in the body that contributes to happiness) you feel really flat.
“I think therapy helps more than tablets – someone saying, ‘Maybe this is why you feel this way’. That’s been a lot more helpful but the tablets take the anxiety off.”
Oryn was delivered by C section at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary on October 24, weighing 8lbs. Hayley’s fears lifted and she instantly bonded with him.
She is still receiving counselling once or twice a week and taking anti-anxiety medication.
She said: “It was definitely one of the worst periods of my life. You can’t be everyone all the time. It is the pressure we put on ourselves – the only people who suffer at the end of the day is us.
“As females, we are subjected to that pressure – this idea that you should have your nails done twice a week, get your hair done, everyone putting pictures on Instagram of their perfect lives.
“It is a shame – we are just beating ourselves down.”