Jacuzzis for the gaffers & Astro Tax for players

BOFFINS have discovered jacuzzis are an ideal way to combat stress in the workplace.

Apparently there’s no better way to unwind than to stick on a pair of budgie smugglers and stew in a bubble bath full of your own grime.

A de-stressed worker is a productive worker so surely bosses all over the country will be up for installing hot tubs?

Well they would until they see the bill. You can imagine the response. Aye we’ll send for the jacuzzis but there is one condition. It’s coming out of your pay packet.

Haud the phone. It’s our human right to have a hot tub ... away and bile yer heid. Scottish footballers aren’t asking for a hot tub but might as well be when it comes to this petition to dump plastic pitches.

At least hydrotherapy has been proved to reduce stress. As yet there is barely a shred of evidence to back up PFA Scotland’s claim artificial surfaces are a health hazard.

Listen, they might well be. Even as a chunky amateur there is a noticeable difference when playing on astro rather than grass. The body aches regardless but it definitely aches that bit more after diving around on the plastic.

But in terms of actual scientific research there is no way of knowing the damage is anything more than mental. There isn’t much argument when it comes to which surface we’d all prefer.

Football is better on grass. It’s slicker, quicker and looks better on TV. Of course we’d rather Scottish football was all natural. But it’s not and we all know why. Clubs save a fortune with these fake pitches.

It saves them training ground costs, they can hire it out to the local community and there are fewer call-offs during the bad weather.

It’s all about cash, which is the major point the PFA seem to have missed. Every point they made this week is probably valid but they didn’t offer up much of a solution to the $64million – or £10m – question. How can our clubs afford it?

There is one way. If the members of the PFA feel so strongly about pitches causing problems then why not take the same approach as our gaffers would when it comes to the jacuzzis?

Take it out their wage. Call it an Astro Tax. Ten per cent off every month into the pitch pot to pay to keep the league on grass. While we are at it let’s hive some of the TV money off for VAR but that’s another matter where commonsense goes up in smoke.

When it comes to the pitches though, players will need to pay the premium and if they don’t like it they can go and run about on the real stuff somewhere else.

It’s all about the use of resources. What are the clubs using the spare dosh for anyway? It’s usually to lob a grand a week at some foreign numpty who couldn’t trap a metal football with a magnet in their boots.

Go with a couple less Euro dumplings, bump up the rest of the squad and slap them with the Astro Tax. Job done. If there’s a few quid left, install hot tubs in dugouts as some of our bosses need to chill out.

There is barely a shred of evidence to back up PFA Scotland’s claim