Teaching your kids how to bounce back
It’s a tough old world out there, so helping kids to be resilient and cope with life’s challenges is critical. Here are nine key tips to help you
By Fiora McFarlane www.marksandspencer.com BOOSTING a child’s resilience could be life-changing, according to an expert.
Psychologist Dr Justin Coulson, who has written a book, 9 Ways to a Resilient Child (HarperCollins, £12.99), said: “The idea of resilience resonates with parents who are worried their children are somehow not coping, or may not be able to cope in the future.
“There are few legacies we can leave that are greater than the legacy of resilience and wellbeing.”
Here, he outlines nine ways to help a child become more resilient: Children need to have a strong sense of identity, knowing who they are and how they fit into the world. Studies show sharing family stories about when mum did something courageous or dad made a difference in the community can be a practical help.
Or parents could ask children hypothetical questions such as, “What would you do if you were in that situation?” to help them identify that they’re “a helper” or perhaps someone who is kind. BY LISA SALMON Children need to learn how to be psychologically flexible, as this builds resilience.
Coulson said: “Unfortunately, a lot of kids get stuck when things get tough. There’s fight, there’s flight, and there’s freeze.
“Resilient responses are the ones where our kids recognise things are tough and they find a solution. They step back from the intensity of the situation and look for alternative ways of moving forward with a flexible approach.” Self-control sets children up to be more resilient, said Coulson.
Children who can delay gratification tend to be psychologically stronger and can manage themselves better when things don’t work out. This helps them to bounce back. Studies show the way children think about life can dramatically affect their responses to challenges. This stinking thinking leads to kids crumbling in the face of adversity, thinking: “This always happens to me. It’s not fair. I’m hopeless.”
Coulson said: “If we can help children reframe their thoughts, they can see adversity as something that makes them stronger rather than something that weakens them.” Coulson says this can best be described in the words of Henry Ford, who said: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” But a growth mindset is more than just positive self-talk, Coulson added, it’s recognising that the brain is like a muscle – when you work it, your brain gets stronger. Research shows resilience is boosted by focusing on children’s strengths rather than weaknesses. “When we focus on strengths, we emphasise what’s right instead of what’s wrong,” said Coulson. “We accelerate their resilience when we find ways to encourage them to use their strengths – especially helping others.” Coulson reckons too much screen time is having some impact on resilience, and time spent in nature is a proven resilience and wellbeing booster. “It provides food for the soul,” he said of being outdoors. Children feel strong and capable when they make their own choices and are responsible for their lives –but Coulson points out that we can’t have responsible kids if we don’t give them responsibility.
He says that by getting out of their way, they learn to make decisions and experience a sense of capability and mastery.” Coulson argued the most vital ingredient in fostering resilience is relationships. This means having a strong support network to pick children up when they’re down, to offer encouragement and to love them no matter what.