AM I DISLOYAL TO MY SICK WIFE?

Dear Coleen

I’D LIKE a little advice. I’m a man in my mid-70s and have been married to a wonderful woman for more than 50 years.

Unfortunately, a horrible dementia illness has her in its grip and, after caring for her for seven years, she is now in full-time residential care. She does not know me any more and is turning aggressive and unapproachable.

I have been living on my own now for a year and find it extremely lonely with our children living in other parts of the world. I’ve found new friends through groups and some, of course, are nice women who want to get to know me better.

I am torn by love and loyalty to my wife and still cherish her, so what should I do? I’m not getting any younger – am I being selfish?

Coleen says

NO, YOU’RE not being selfish at all in my opinion. You cared for your wife as long as you were able to meet her needs and have been a wonderful partner for more than 50 years.

You need to make a new life for yourself now and I’m sure your wife would have wanted that for you too, if she’d known what lay ahead.

Of course I understand you feeling guilty and disloyal – that’s natural. However, I’m sure if you talked to your children and your friends, they’d help you feel better about the situation.

They will understand that you have to carry on living and that your happiness is important. You deserve to be happy.

And, even if you do meet a special female friend through one of your groups, it doesn’t mean you have to shut yourself off from your wife. You can still visit and take care of her affairs.

I know how heartbreaking it is to see someone you love go through this, as my mother had Alzheimer’s. You need support and friendship, and you mustn’t feel bad about accepting it.