He missed my mother’s funeral due to a meeting

Dear Coleen

I’VE been with my partner for five years and I’d say we had a good relationship. We live together but have no children.

I’ve been struggling recently as my mother passed away last month and while my boyfriend was really good during her illness and did whatever he could to help, he’s not been there for me much recently.

He didn’t make it to the funeral service because of an important work meeting, although he was there at the wake afterwards to support me.

At the time, I was OK with it – he runs his own business and he had to be the one to lead this meeting, which couldn’t be rescheduled.

I know it was a dilemma for him and that he felt bad about it.

Now though, I feel a bit resentful that he didn’t attend and that he seems to have moved on with everything while I’m still struggling. It’s like he’s not acknowledging my pain and grief.

I feel angry with him but haven’t said anything because I can’t judge whether I’m being fair or not. Can I rely on him and am I overreacting to the situation? I’d love your guidance.

Coleen says

YOU’RE in the midst of grief and I think in that situation, it can be hard sometimes to know which way is up.

It’s very destabilising and it takes time to work through it. You’re going to feel everything very intensely at the moment.

I think you need to be a bit careful that you’re not getting what you feel about your mum’s death mixed up with what you feel for your partner.

It’s normal to feel anger that she became ill and she’s gone and maybe it’s easier to direct this at your partner than face what you’re really angry about. I’m sure he was torn about his decision to attend the funeral, and perhaps with hindsight, he’d do things differently now.

I think the important thing to do is talk to him about how you’re feeling. It can be hard to know how to react to grief and some people shy away from it because they don’t know how to be.

But if you tell him how you feel and what you need from him, then he’ll take the lead from you and he’ll be more confident about how to help you.

As you point out, he was supportive during your mother’s illness, which I think is the most important bit. He showed then that you can rely on him. And while he’ll be upset for you, this isn’t his grief – he won’t feel it as deeply.

You question everything when you’re grieving. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. And if you need some extra support, think about bereavement counselling. You’ll find help and advice at cruse.org.uk.

I feel angry and don’t know if I can rely on him