Still haunted by wife’s work affair 30 years ago

Dear Coleen

MY WIFE and I are now into our 70s and should be enjoying our retirement. However, I’m afraid that my feelings for her have all but gone.

When we were in our 40s, my wife left me, taking our children with her. I begged her to come back and, after a short stay with her parents, she did.

Her reason for leaving was me being at work all hours and not being home with her. The reason for my working all hours was to clear her debts and to avoid losing our home. My wife, to give her credit, was also working.

However, what I didn’t know was that she was having an affair with her boss. I only found out by chance when I happened to look through our front window and saw a car outside. Inside was my wife being kissed by a man who also had his hand up her blouse.

This led to an almighty blow-up. Apparently, it had been going on for a while. She told me she’d stay because of the children but I could have no physical contact with her. I had to sleep on my own. This arrangement went on for a while, but then she told me that she and her boss had been sacked after being caught having sex on his desk by a senior executive.

It took me a very long time to get over this but we decided to give it another try, and carried on with our lives. All this past is now filling my head and I can’t shut it out.

Coleen says

SITUATIONS that haven’t been dealt with fully at the time have a tendency to emerge again, I’m afraid.

Emotions can be triggered by all sorts of things further down the line. Perhaps now you’re in your 70s with the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company, you’re feeling resentful about those traumatic years in your 40s.

Perhaps you’re even wondering whether you should have left her at the time and made a different life for yourself.

I don’t think it’s unusual to take stock like this, as you think about the years ahead and how you want to spend them.

It’s a shame you didn’t have couples counselling following the affair but there’s no reason why you can’t opt for it now (try relate.org.uk).

It might benefit both of you but, if that’s not an option, then you need to admit to your wife how you feel and discuss it.

I don’t think you got the answers you were looking for at the time, so it could help you now to talk about what happened and say the things you’ve been keeping buried all these years.

You deserve to be happy at this time in your life, so don’t shy away from confronting this, even though it might feel painful to do so.

She was sacked after having sex on boss’s desk