I took a knife with me. I didn’t want to live any more

Merrill Osmond was a member of the most successful pop band in the world in the 70s. But fans were unaware of the inner turmoil that made him suicidal,

AT the height of their fame, The Osmonds were well-known for their happy-go-lucky natures as well as chart-topping hits.

But their millions of fans could never have guessed that behind the smiles, lead singer and bassist Merrill was battling depression so severe that as a teenager, he came close to taking his own life.

“The depression has been with me forever,” said Merrill, 66, who was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 30. “I still have bouts of it almost weekly. I can sit and cry all night, which I’ve done many times.

“My last attack was yesterday. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I had press interviews to do. I tried to cancel them but my assistant said: ‘Merrill, remember what you have to do in these cases’. So I was able to talk to myself. It took me about an hour and it wasn’t easy but I got through it. At my worst, I can’t speak to people. I want to be by myself. It’s not a pretty sight.”

Recalling the day he came close to suicide, Merrill said: “I had a knife and I didn’t want to live because I had no hope.

“It was a spur of the moment thing and I climbed up to the top of a mountain near my home in Utah. I couldn’t see any light and the feelings of not wanting to live were so prevalent in my mind, there was just darkness.

“The only thing that stopped me taking my life was a miraculous wind that came out of nowhere and almost blew me over. I realised there was something going on that was bigger than me and it startled me to the point where I put the knife down and decided I was going to face my feelings head on.”

Merrill was 16 at the time. Already a huge success on American TV with his brothers, he didn’t mention the episode to any of them. “Back then depression wasn’t really focused on,” he said.

A few weeks later, he visited a doctor friend who took him to a psychologist who confirmed he was suffering from anxiety and depression. Today he thinks it may have been caused by a combination of genetics – his father George was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Merrill’s siblings Donny and Marie have both experienced depression – and his unconventional upbringing. He said: “Before all the fame, as a really young child, I was extremely happy-go-lucky and very mellow. But when I was four we knew we needed to start working really hard. Our Dad was a military sergeant and my brain started to churn with it all. “The anxiety started when I was about 10 and by 16 depression had really set in.” The Osmonds’ career began in 1958. Despite their young ages (Alan was nine, Wayne was seven, Merrill, five and Jay, three), their father took them to auditions and they were spotted by singer Andy Williams who put them on his hit TV show. In 1971, they landed a record contract and had their first No1 hit, One Bad Apple. In the early 70s, they were the biggest pop band in the world, yet Merrill’s undiagnosed bipolar disorder was clearly affecting him. The condition is characterised by severe mood swings, ranging from extreme lows (depression) to extreme highs (mania). The manic phase often includes feeling elated, full of energy and new ideas, and not wanting to sleep. “I would create songs, I would write new symphonic tunes, I would stay up for days and days writing a pageant,” said Merrill, who co-wrote the group’s biggest hits – including Crazy Horses and Let Me In – during the period. He will perform a string of concerts in Britain and believes that on stage is where he finds the greatest peace. “Being in the moment and letting the audience help to create the environment for me, so it becomes like a party atmosphere,” he said. “I’m grateful my mind has been able to help me create masterpieces. If people who have what I have can look at it that way, just think about the creativity that could be introduced to the world.” Merrill tours the UK in December. For info, go to merrillosmond.com/ osmondtourdates And whatever you’re going through, you can call the Samaritans any time, from any phone for free on 116 123.