If Pep’s a bald fraud then we should all reach for the Bic

SUNLIGHT threatens to break through the curtains but they remain shut.

Last night’s hot Papa John’s dinner has become this morning’s cold Papa John’s breakfast. There are three different types of dampness in the air, none of which I’m willing to investigate.

Okay, I’m not making this room sound particularly appealing but much of the greatest art ever created was born in squalor. With that in mind, I fire up the laptop, open Twitter, crack my knuckles and begin painting my masterpiece.

“THREAD: Why Pep Guardiola is a bald fraud (1/20)”. Yep, that’s right. Pep Guardiola, who in 11 years of management has won eight league titles, two Champions Leagues, three UEFA Super Cups, three FIFA Club World Cups, 12 domestic cups and numerous individual awards is in fact nothing more than a fraud. And a bald one at that. A thread recently went viral in which an Arsenal fan went into great detail about the many ways in which Guardiola has apparently been perpetuating a hoax and is, therefore, a “bald fraud”.

This may come as a surprise for two reasons. Firstly, you might think that in a football context the term “bald fraud” would be more appropriate when applied to the luxurious manes of Steven Whittaker, Kris Boyd and James McFadden.

Secondly, we’re talking about Guardiola. The man who embraced Johan Cruyff’s attacking philosophy and revolutionised modern football. The man whose teams won all those honours I listed above.

None of which is to say Guardiola is above criticism. His prickly nature in press conferences when asked legitimate questions that he doesn’t fancy is hardly endearing. He sometimes gets signings wrong too. Fine. Couldn’t those charges just as easily be levelled at, I don’t know, literally every single person to have managed a football team?

Imagine Twitter during that period in the late ’80s when Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson flirted with the sack. In fact, imagine Twitter during that period in the late ’90s when Ferguson had already ensured his legendary status and Arsenal won the Premier League.

Despite winning four of the five previous titles, Ferguson would have been called a “Scotch fraud” by dozens of Twitter’s Wee Guy community for finishing a solitary point behind a team featuring Dennis Bergkamp, Patrick Vieira and Ian Wright. In the same year, Walter Smith would have been a fraud for failing to deliver 10-in-a-row, Craig Brown would have been a fraud for losing to Morocco and Ronaldo would have been a fraud for not scoring against France hours after collapsing.

It’s bleak enough seeing the “fraud” patter

perpetuated by the Jakes, Jaks and Jaydens of English Football Twitter, but similar sentiments raud. players allows James before and on In Tavernier? are this the the the the frequently word side prefix words post-nuance of “President” Fraud. Hadrian’s “ex-” “Donald expressed to Sean not world to Wall. Trump” appear appear Clare? about that before Morgan”, given the time words a footballer either “TV a host fraud is at Piers or any a ‘GOAT’ @HeartsRant (Greatest summed Of All Time). this up perfectly, asking “Why do our supporters over-analyse absolutely everything to do with Clare?”. They added “Both extremes (over-praising when he’s good and over-the-top criticism when he’s poor) are a bore. He’s a pretty run of the mill Scottish footballer who does a decent enough job”. That last line might sound vanilla to modern ears but it applies to the majority of footballers in Scotland. As underwhelming as it might seem, Tavernier is probably neither the “legend that Gareth Southgate has to recognise sooner rather than later” (Twitter, last season) or the “fraud who only scores from the penalty spot and needs to get out of our club” (Twitter, this season).

Is it not possible Tavernier is just a pretty decent player who’s enduring a bad run of form? That Clare is indeed “run of the mill” and turning in “decent enough” displays?

In the case of Guardiola, rather than using such emotive language as “fraud”, is it not more accurate to just say he’s an extremely accomplished and successful manager who, as with every human in every walk of life, is flawed and imperfect?

That take won’t get you retweets or attention, but the vast majority of the time it’s the truth. Your team’s manager probably isn’t a fraud and your top scorer probably isn’t a GOAT.

Now I’ve said it I’ll no doubt be the one on the receiving end of the “fraud” comments. Well, that or “Pep’s not gonna s**g you mate”.

CHERNO SAMBA. Maxim Tsigalko. Tonton Zola Moukoko. If you spent your pubescent years fiddling with other people’s bra straps or trouser belts, those names might not mean anything to you. If, however, you were a massive VL like I was, reading those names will trigger an almighty rush of serotonin in your brain. They might not have scaled the heights in real life, but those three players were titans in the world of Championship Manager 01/02. As soon as a new game was loaded, signing them was your number one priority (although Tsigalko’s work permit would often prove a stumbling block). If any of this means anything to you, you’ll have noticed one name is missing from my list. I am of course referring to Mark Kerr, Falkirk’s midfield (centre) wonderkid. A player who combined the best of Xavi and Iniesta. He didn’t quite scale the same heights in real life, but still enjoyed a respectable career in Scottish football. On Tuesday Kerr was confirmed as the new manager of Ayr United, prompting @GabyMcKay to tweet “CM 01/02 aficionados will be delighted to see that Mark Kerr is now literally a Championship manager”. Also delighted with the news was @cm0102legends, who tweeted “I have managed Mark at numerous clubs... he is destined to be a great boss”. Kerr arrives at Somerset Park after previous manager Ian McCall joined Partick Thistle, ironically replacing a man who spent his time at Firhill pretending to be a manager.