Hapl es sB o Jo should ditch the predictions

PHEW. If you’re reading this, you must have survived.

I hope none of your loved ones perished but, seeing as the whole country exploded, the odds aren’t great.

I’m typing these words from my underground bunker but I’m assuming the country exploded on the 31st.

It was Tory MP (Halloween costume of choice – Penfold) Mark Francois, pictured below with his cartoon doppelganger, who said: “If we don’t leave on the 31st of October, this country will explode.”

Leaving aside the fact that the ruddy-cheeked Francois already looks poised to explode at any given moment regardless of the political climate, this was a bold prediction that, if you’re reading this, has probably made him look a bit ridiculous. Sorry, has probably made him look even more ridiculous.

Still, it could have been worse for Francois. At least he’s not whoever it was that said they would “rather be dead in a ditch” than ask Brussels for an extension beyond October 31.

Not sure who came out with that quote but it’s the sort of emotive, impetuous language you’d expect from a punter on the street and certainly not from a person holding high office. Hang on, I’ve Googled it... yep, it was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Boris Johnson now has all the credibility of an Ant McPartlin driving school. And yet, inevitably, the worst person you know on Facebook will continue lapping him up because his hair’s a bit skeewiff and he was funny on Have I Got News For You that time.

That show also enhanced the profile of professional VL* Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man whose personality is the result of either being bullied too much or not enough at school.

Despite appearing to spend his days in a cross between Downton Abbey and the black and white bits from the opening credits of Cheers, the MP somehow manages to operate a Twitter account. In August, he told his followers: “If we don’t leave the EU by 31st October there will be no Conservative Party left.”

So it’s not all bad news. *Virgin Lips (slang for never been kissed). Don’t ask me how I know.