It’s a big UEFA Nonno to upset the grandweans

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HEY guys, Alessandra here. A warm vaffanculo to you all. Things haven’t been great between me and Celtic fans since they besmirched the reputation of my sweet ol’ grandad but I’m hoping we can put that behind us. You know, like the people of Libya put the subjugation of their people at the hands of my grandad’s fascist regime behind them. I know some of you might be reluctant to hear me out but I want to clear up a few things. Yes, I got a bit angry about the banner mocking my grandfather’s death but I just can’t stand people focusing purely on the negatives of his life. I mean, who doesn’t get embarrassed by their grandparents? My friend Elena’s grandad was a wise scholar but towards the end of his life he suffered from incontinence and would frequently p*** himself on public transport.

Another pal of mine, Isabella, has a grandad who saved countless lives as a firefighter but was plagued by lifelong halitosis.

My grandad was a talented backgammon player who was responsible for the vilification and even death of many innocent people. Nobody’s perfect.

That was why I lashed out and said: “Whoever exposes the photo or drawing of my grandfather upside down commits an act of violence.” Not a literal act of violence like the ones committed in my grandfather’s name but an act of violence all the same.

You might not have been familiar with my name before the last few days (my first name I mean – my surname’s the same as a famous fascist dictator lol) but I know my fair share about Celtic.

You might think the recent controversy surrounding my dearly departed Nonno would have been my first exposure to the world of Scottish football but in fact I’ve been a fan for over 20 years.

That’s when Paolo ‘I’m a fascist, not a racist’ Di Canio signed for Celtic. You may know him for his magnificent goals and sublime touches but my favourite memories are of the times when he would extend his right arm in a friendly wave to Lazio fans.

Di Canio isn’t my biggest hero from the world of Scottish football though. In fact, he’s not even my biggest hero from that mid-90s Celtic side. No, that would be Malky Mackay, or ‘Il Douche’ as he’s known to many.

I mean, I haven’t followed anything he’s done relating to football in the last couple of decades but that man sure knows how to conduct a Whatsapp convo.

He actually left our group chat pretty abruptly a few years back but it was nice of the British press to publish some of his highlights.

But I digress. I was intrigued to see UEFA this week confirm that they would punish Celtic and Lazio for the actions of their fans. Some would ask: “Alessandra, what kind of mental gymnastics are necessary to make punishing Celtic fans for mocking fascism at the same time as you punish Lazio fans for promoting fascism seem logical? If fascism is a punishable offence, surely mocking it is, you know, a good thing?”

I would point those people towards UEFA’s rulebook, in which Article 14 Section 88 clearly states that “fans must not speak ill of fascist dictators or upset their grandweans”.

As for Lazio’s punishment? Ask yourself this – while fans chanted and made fascist

salutes on Buchanan Street in Glasgow, could you hear any whiny buskers with acoustic guitars pretending to be Gerry Cinnamon? Exactly.

I know some of you were upset when I tweeted: “History is history. Like that of William Wallace captured, ironically, just around Glasgow.”

I was just trying to endear myself to Celtic fans by proving that I know the history. Some people criticise Wallace but I prefer to think of him as a former Scottish wartime leader. Besides, he only crossed my mind because the guy who played him in Braveheart replaced Malky Mackay in our group chat. Anyway, I’m glad I was able to clear up all these misunderstandings. It’s important to me that I maintain my cordial relationship with the Celtic Family. To that end, I would encourage you to get in touch with me on Twitter should you still have any concerns. As my dear old grandad used to say, don’t leave me hanging.