Gillian’s in a blind panic over DIY attempt

IT’S a cold November night and the heating is on full bung as I sit on the floor of my spare room, tears running down my face, surrounded by discarded plastic wrap and screwdrivers.

Don’t worry folks, I haven’t lost the plot… yet. No, I’m indulging in that pastime beloved of us all when the nights draw in and it’s not quite time to get the tree up yet: DIY.

What is it about November that makes me want to hit B&Q and pretend I know my wall brackets from my nuts and bolts? Maybe it’s that this is a nothing month – a time when all the excitement of autumn, Halloween and Bonfire Night are over, but when it’s frowned upon to even think about the “C” word.

That’s a lie, because we all know it’s looming in the distance, ready to pounce with its fairylights and festive decorations, its overnight guests… its bloody emergency chairs, as the Peter Kay joke goes.

If December is the month for people just “dropping by” with gifts in hand, then November is the time to panic about it, to nag your other half about that wonky cupboard door or the scorch mark on the wall from that ill-advised sparkler lit indoors the other week. I’m kidding. That didn’t really happen. Maybe…

So here I am, staring at a blind that I’ve tried and failed to put up several times over a two-month period. Only this time, it’s attached to the wall. It’s rolling up and down with relative ease. Hurrah!

Oh, and it’s at least a foot too short for my window. Shoot me now, please.

And before you jump on Twitter to hit me with your best sexist joke about women and DIY, I’d like to point out that my other half is even worse than me.

I’m not too shabby with a nail and hammer. Usually, that is. What’s more worrying is that I seem to have lost the ability to shop – a travesty far worse than the “half blackout” look that my spare room is now sporting.

I will share a photo on Twitter for anyone interested, FYI. If you’re having a bad day, then go have a look, have a laugh at my expense and bear in mind that at least you’ll sleep well tonight (unlike the friends who are staying round at my gaff this weekend – tough luck, guys).

If anyone’s looking for me before then, I’ll be wandering the aisles of my nearest hardware store, this time with a tape measure in hand, and possibly a glass of wine too. Well, I’ve got to calm these DIY disaster nerves somehow.

I have just one question: Is this miserable November over yet? Because wonky blinds or not, the madness of December sounds brilliant right about now – and no one will judge me if my DIY is fuelled by a tipple or two then. It’s C ******** , after all!

Apologies, I know – too soon.