FEEL GUILTY OVER HER FAMILY BUST-UP

Dear Coleen

I’M A gay woman and have been out since I was 22 and I’m now 34. A few months ago, I started seeing a fantastic woman who’s in her 20s and only recently came out as lesbian to family and friends.

She decided to tell them because our relationship was getting serious and didn’t want to hide it. However, it’s backfired quite dramatically. Her parents had no idea about her sexuality, as she’d previously dated men. They were quite shocked.

They also got on really well with her ex-partner and seem to have taken his side in all of this, even though they’d broken up before I was on the scene.

They haven’t handled it well and it’s having a big impact on my girlfriend. I feel guilty that our relationship has caused all this stress for her and divided her family. Should I say something to them? Do you have any ideas?

Coleen says

I DON’T think you have anything to feel guilty about – your relationship might have been the catalyst for your girlfriend deciding to come out but, even if you hadn’t been on the scene,

I suspect they would have reacted in the same way. I think it’s good you’re concerned about your girlfriend and her relationships with family but it’s really up to them to work through it. And it’s her family’s issue to deal with.

I don’t know why they’ve reacted so badly but I hope they’ll put their daughter’s happiness first and start to build bridges once the dust has settled. Right now, they seem more concerned with themselves and their own expectations than what’s right for their daughter.

Be supportive (and don’t get involved in bad-mouthing her family), then take a step back and focus on your relationship. It’s not easy to bow out when someone you love is hurting but your girlfriend is the best person to talk to her family.