Dear Santa, all we want for Xmas is a flame thrower, a set of step ladders, a salt ire, a bow tie and a picnic basket

DEAR Santa. We have made our list. We have been good all year and hope these requests are fine.

Could we possibly have a giant 70-inch flat screen TV so that we can watch Scotland’s triumphant return to a major football championships after an absence of more than two decades?

The old one which we used when watching France 1998 is burst. The remote controls are lost and we really want to have a clear sight of Steve Clarke’s team back on the major stage after they win their play-off matches against Israel and either Norway and Serbia to surge back to where the nation belongs and fill a gap for a generation.

At the same time, we’ll be able to use it to watch Celtic against Rangers meet in the Europa League Final.

Trying to get tickets when you are being told by 400,000 people from Glasgow that they all going to Gdansk is going to be impossible, so a shiny telly to watch the game will be ideal. Could we also have an iPhone please so we can film Scotland walking

out at Wembley for celebration when he defeated Regis Prograis.

Could we have a wee picnic basket so we can fit in with the crowds when we go to watch Scotland triumph in the Six Nations?

Obviously, the rugby World Cup performances weren’t all that good and there aren’t many supporters who have hope that he can get the better of the English, Irish, Welsh, French and Italians, but Gregor Townsend can get us back on track.

Could we have a set of binoculars so that we can get a clear view of One for Arthur as he makes the most-amazing comeback at Aintree and wins the Grand National for a second time?

Lucinda Russell ended a wait of almost four decades for this country to win the world’s greatest race, so we don’t want to miss a fence or a yard when he goes back to Merseyside and does it again.

Could we get a packet of sharpie pens so we can write our own wee messages on to the cards at the darts for the cameras to see as Gary Anderson and Peter Wright win the World Cup for Scotland for a second successive year?

And could we get a wee blanket to put over our laps as we sit in the Crucible and watch John Higgins or one of his compatriots collect the World Snooker Championship again?

Could we also place an order for some Pro Plus so that we can all stay up through the night and defy the time difference to watch our athletic heroes bring glory at the Olympics in Tokyo?

Could we also have a diary to note down all the other Scottish sporting successes coming in 2020 because it’s hard to fit them all on to this list?

And last, but definitely not least, could we ask for a flamethrower please to take to all of these absolute morons who are turning up at our sporting events and ruining them by lobbing lighters or coins or vodka bottles?

If they aren’t bright enough to take a telling, let’s just ignite them. It’s fine. There’s no part of them needing saved for medical science unless we’re trying to clone complete idiots for the future.

Hope that’s not too much big man and we think we deserve it.

Thanks a lot. Yours, Scotland.