FEEL SO GUILTY FOR THINKING OF BOY I DATED

Dear Coleen

I MET my husband when I was only 17 and we were married when I was 22. We’ve been wed for 48 years, but when I was 16 I met a boy with whom I was in love. However, the distance between us was too great, so we had to end it.

I’ve always loved him though, and even named my first-born son after him. To this day I’m so sad for doing that. My husband is now waiting for a scan to see if he has cancer. He’s a good man, even though he was a heavy drinker, and I feel wrong for always thinking of this boy from my past.

My son also drinks a lot and somehow I feel responsible for it all.

It feels good to get this off my chest, but any advice would be welcome.

Coleen says

I’M guessing your husband (and your son) don’t know you’ve carried a torch for this boy from your past all these years.

And although you’re not responsible for their choice to drink, I understand why you feel guilty for having these thoughts and I imagine your husband being unwell has stirred things up.

What I would say is, try to put the past out of your mind and focus on the here and now. It’s very easy to romanticise the past, especially if things aren’t going well in your life, but it’s a lifetime away and you have no idea if the relationship with this boy would have worked out. You were just kids and people change a lot as they move into adulthood.

Let yourself off the hook. I think most of us have one person in our lives that we always wonder about and think “what if?”, but you can’t let it overwhelm you.

It’s a fantasy and not real life.