HUSBAND WON’T CONFRONT HIS AFFAIR

Dear Coleen

A FEW years ago, my husband finally admitted to having an “it was only sex” affair, after denying it for weeks. This happened about three years ago and while I’ve forgiven him, I still find it hard to forget, especially as the affair was with someone we both know.

I’ve been having counselling for seven months and it has helped a bit but my husband refuses to go as he says “it’s over and done with”.

However, sex is now an issue for me and we haven’t been intimate for a year.

Also, not having sex doesn’t seem to worry my husband much, so you can imagine what I’m thinking now.

I hope your advice will help and reassure me about this horrible situation I’ve found myself in.

Coleen says

I’M sorry you’ve ended up like this. The truth is, you won’t forget about the affair but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to come to terms with it and repair the relationship with your husband. The problem is, he needs to meet you halfway, which he seems unwilling to do.

I’m afraid it’s not good enough to say “it’s over and done with”. Unless he can confront the issues in your marriage and what led to the affair with openness and honesty, I think it’s going to be hard to move on.

I think you have to get tough with him and make it clear you can’t stay in the marriage while there are so many unanswered questions. It’s great you’re having counselling and benefiting from it but I think you need couples therapy.

Again, it’s not good enough for your husband to just dismiss that option. If it’s a choice between saving your marriage and agreeing to counselling, he should try it if he genuinely wants to be with you.

The trust has gone and you still feel angry about what happened. You can’t force him into therapy with you, but you can communicate to him that it’s make or break for you.