WHO’D WIN SQUARE GO? TOMMY ‘TNT’ WRIGHT OR MAD STEVIE GERR-HARD?
The things you think of when you’re watching children’s TV (NO CONTEST, BY THE WAY)
THE mind can start to play tricks on you after a few weeks of isolation but fortunately I have been training for this for almost two years.
Boris has shut down the bars and nightclubs, the restaurants are closed and even the golf course is a no-go area.
Aye, very good. I’ve got a Tasmanian Devil for a toddler mate – I’ve been social distancing for ages.
The only difference now is there’s no fitba and I can swerve the soft play.
When you’re working from home, what you can’t avoid is the kids television though. Talk about a mind melt.
The other day the wee barra was tuned into some psychedelic gibberish involving some kind of talking rabbit called Bing, who is a bit of an a***hole, truth be told.
He seems to live with a weird patchwork figure called Flop, who doesn’t appear to be his dad but we can’t work out if it’s an adoption job or he’s keeping the bunny kidnapped. Maybe it’s the other way around.
Bing also has a panda for a pal, who walks around in his underpants all day. It’s confusing to say the least.
The rabbit and Pando the panda have a few falling-outs along the way and it had my mind wandering, taking me by the hand to my happy cave... to the good old days when we had Scottish football and there were dust-ups every day of the week.
The best ones were when managers went at it. There’s an unwritten rule among gaffers that they usually don’t have spats in public.
It’s great when they boil over but they tend to stick to bland nonsense rather than let rip at the folk they can’t stand in the opposite dugout.
Tots TV became a blur in the background and the mind drifted deeper... wouldn’t it be brilliant if they actually had square goes?
Now hold on, before the Sports Ed contacts the lawyer, HR and maybe the Samaritans, of course I’m not advocating violence.
But still, who would come out on top in a Scottish Premiership Battle Royale of the gaffers? What a thought.
They’re a fairly hardy bunch, so this won’t be easy.
Jack Ross at Hibs could no doubt handle himself. He’s built like a middleweight prizefighter but he’s far too handsome to risk a shiner.
Daniel Stendel across the city? Tricky. Bit of an unknown quantity, which makes him dangerous.
Not as dangerous as Gary Holt. The Livi boss was in the army for goodness sake, that puts him right among the favourites.
Up north we’d need to watch out for Stuart Kettlewell and Stevie Ferguson. They come team handed, which is a bit of an unfair advantage.
As someone who has been on the end of a Derek McInnes death stare, there’s definitely a chance he could be handy.
Don’t be fooled by Jim Goodwin’s luscious Northern Irish lift either. The St Mirren gaffer was a monster on the pitch and is not to be messed with off it. Brian Rice is another dark horse. Mild mannered but tough, he’s also a big reader and will know Sun Tzu’s Art of War off by heart.
Have to be careful with Alex Dyer as well. The Killie man sometimes seems more chilled out than the Dude from the Big Lebowski but he could go from 0-60 in a flash.
Stephen Robinson would be a nightmare to pin down. Wee and wily, the Motherwell boss would get a few digs in before his opponent would blink.
What about the Old Firm heavyweight clash between Neil Lennon and Steven Gerrard? Talk about box office.
The pair of them were fierce as players. Lenny a streetfighter who is used to dodging missiles, Gerrard grew up on the mean streets of Liverpool and would go the full 12 rounds.
It could be too close to call. Top man though? Would have to be Tommy Wright. The Saints manager has hands like shovels, he’s built like a brickie and is another one who can smile one minute and growl the next.
Big Tommy is used to punching above his weight at McDiarmid Park and is the man to beat for major honours in the Premiership punch-up.
Meanwhile, as my focus returned to the bonkers bunny on my telly, it’s clear I can’t even win a fight with a toddler over the remote control.