GRANDDAUGHTER LIVING IN CHAOS WITH HER MUM

Dear Coleen

MY husband and I are both in our early 70s and are very worried about one of our granddaughters. She’s our son’s daughter but he lives abroad now after splitting with her mother, so he doesn’t see her much.

My son’s ex lives a very chaotic life. Sometimes she gets herself together and is great with our granddaughter – homework gets done, cakes get baked, everyone is happy. However, at other times, our granddaughter has missed a lot of school and missed parties, which has affected her schoolwork and her friendships.

She’s a withdrawn and quiet girl. The house is also a mess and I know her mother drinks a lot – although not all the time. This makes my husband and I so sad. We do the best we can to help, but she often won’t reply to texts or makes arrangements and cancels. Any advice?

Coleen says

IT sounds like her mother is struggling, so why not let her know you’re there to help without any judgment? It’s not easy being a single parent, and if she’s also struggling with mental health issues, it’s going to be extra hard to keep the show on the road. It sounds like she’s using alcohol to self-medicate sometimes, too.

I wonder if it’s possible to arrange a regular time every week for your granddaughter to stay with you. You could pick her up from school, help with homework, get to know other parents and friends. It might help to be more involved, so you can support them both. And, if it’s a regular commitment at the same time every week, then she’s less likely to cancel it.

She might be worried about being seen as a bad mum or not coping, which is why she hasn’t asked for help. Just tell her you’d love to be more involved and help her out as much as you can.