ONLY 39 AND SHE’S NOT INTERESTED IN SEX

Dear Coleen

MY WIFE and I haven’t had sex in a couple of years and we’re both only 39. I suppose lockdown has made me realise that it’s not normal and that I’m not happy – we may as well just be mates.

We have two young children and she is focused on them.

Whenever I’ve brought it up, she just says I’m making too big a deal out of it and that her own parents stopped having sex when kids came along.

I love her and our kids and I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but I don’t want to close the door on my sex life at 39 either.

What can I do?

Coleen says

THERE are people for whom sex isn’t important, which is OK if they’re with a partner who feels the same. However, you don’t and that’s a problem.

I think all you can do is be completely honest that sex and intimacy are important to you and you’re not prepared to give up on that side of your life.

Then the question is, what do you do about it? If she’d agree to it, seeing a psychosexual counsellor might help her work through why she doesn’t want sex and if there’s any route back. If it’s a flat “no” to that, what are the options? Would she agree to an open relationship and would you want that? Or do you want to move on with someone else?

It would be easier to find a way back if it was simply that your sex drives were out of synch or you’d got into a rut. But she seems clear that she doesn’t want sex at all, so you may have a tough decision to make.

If you decide to walk away, you can still be a good parent to your kids and be fulfilled in your personal life, too.