IMPOSSIBLE TO LET GO AND ENJOY SEX

Dear Coleen

I FEEL as if I’m weird or there’s something wrong with me. My problem is, I just can’t seem to let go during sex.

I can’t remember the last time it was enjoyable for me. To be honest, whenever we make love, I can’t wait for it to be over.

My partner now thinks he’s the problem and he isn’t. I don’t know what is wrong with me or what I can do about it. Do you have any suggestions that might help?

Coleen says

SEXUAL issues usually have a psychological root – something in your unconscious mind is stopping you from letting go and enjoying the experience. And, the trouble is, sex then becomes a real source of anxiety, so you start to dread it and make excuses, and it can be really hard to get out of the cycle.

So, if the cause isn’t obvious, then I’d recommend psychosexual counselling for you and your partner – to find a therapist, visit the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk).

If you’re worried about it being embarrassing – don’t. Therapists are highly skilled and trained, and have heard it all before. It’s like going to your doctor. Hopefully, by working with a therapist, you’ll discover the source of your anxiety and be able to work through it.

There’s also a practical element to psychosexual therapy where you and your partner will receive exercises to help rebuild intimacy.

I think it’s good you can talk to your partner about it and haven’t just shut off from him. I understand why he’s worried this is something to do with him, so if you make the effort to get professional help I’m sure he’ll find it reassuring.