He won’t trust me and it wears me down
Dear Coleen
I’M A 28-year-old woman and my boyfriend is 32. We’ve been dating for two years and living together for a year.
I love him but he has trust issues, which I’m really struggling with. It’s a legacy of his previous relationship – he was engaged to someone who broke his heart by cheating with a mutual friend and I was his next serious girlfriend.
I completely get why he’s like this but I’m growing weary of it because I’ve never given him any reason to doubt me. During lockdown, he’s scanned my social media and if I’ve commented on a male friend’s post, he’ll ask me about it.
I met up with a couple of girlfriends the other day in one of their gardens for a drink for the first time in months and he wanted to know if anyone else was there and what we talked about.
But he wasn’t asking because he was showing an interest – I just know it’s because he doesn’t trust me.
Before lockdown, if I was late home from work or stayed out later than I said I would, I’d get the Spanish Inquisition when I got back.
The rest of the time, the relationship is great and we have a lot of fun together but every time he doubts me, my heart sinks and I start questioning whether I can spend my life with someone like him.
How can I make him see sense and get him to think about the impact his paranoia is having on our relationship?
Coleen says
FIRST of all, this is his issue and not yours and, for this relationship to stand a chance, you really have to be strong and not pander to his insecurities. It’s very wearing to have to constantly reassure a partner and you do start to lose respect for them, become resentful and the relationship slowly dies.
Your boyfriend has to admit to himself that this is his problem and he’s the only one who can deal with it. So, you can tell him that while you understand his ex betrayed him, you’re not her and you don’t want to be constantly treated as if you’ve done something wrong.
Perhaps he’d benefit from some counselling but if he’s not up for that, then he’ll have to try really hard to control his behaviour and allow you to be yourself. Be strong and explain to him that he needs to start proving to you that he can trust you.
“If I am late home from work I get an inquisition