MY BOYFRIEND’S BEEN SEXTING AN OLD FRIEND

Dear Coleen

RECENTLY, I looked at my boyfriend’s phone and found lots of flirty (and sometimes overtly sexual) texts between him and a woman he was friends with in secondary school 25 years ago.

I looked at his phone because during lockdown he was glued to it and being secretive.

She’d even sent some photos of herself – they weren’t naked or sexual, but he commented on how good she looked. This really hurt and I’ve cried a lot over it. We’ve been together for nearly 10 years and have two children together.

The other night I finally confronted him over the messages and he was so casual about it, saying she was just a mate and someone he fancied years ago, but there was nothing else to it.

He seemed to think I was making something out of nothing – am I?

Coleen says

NO, OF course it’s not “nothing”. Maybe that’s how he’s justifying it to himself – because nothing has happened physically between him and this woman, it’s all just banter and a bit of a laugh.

Well, it’s not. It’s a betrayal of your relationship, it’s hurtful and he’s being secretive about it, so it’s not innocent. He knows he’s out of line or he’d be open about this friendship.

Don’t let him make out you’re the one with the problem and that you’re being unreasonable or uncool – you’re not. I can absolutely guarantee that he wouldn’t be quite so chilled if you were sexting a guy you knew from school.

If he wants to be with you, you have to insist he deletes these messages, stops contacting her, doesn’t reply in future and makes a monumental effort to rebuild your trust in him.