I’m about to get married but he refuses to confide in me

Dear Coleen

I’M WITH the man of my dreams, we’ve been together for three years and got engaged at Christmas. There’s only one thing that bothers me, which is that he won’t open up about his past.

When he was a child, his parents had serious alcohol problems, which led to him being fostered and then adopted with his sister. I know it’s probably hard to talk about because it’s painful but, as his future wife, I want to know everything about him and for him to feel he can confide in me.

His adoptive family are wonderful but I feel there’s a link missing in the chain and it’s as if I’m not completely part of his life.

He’s a successful guy and outwardly confident but he keeps so much to himself. He’s not keen on talking about future plans either – having children, for example. When I marry him, I don’t want there to be any secrets or surprises but I think I’m fighting a losing battle to get him to communicate better. Am I making too much of this or should I be worried that he doesn’t seem to trust me enough to share things?

Coleen says

RELATIONSHIPS develop and deepen over time, so his painful past might be something that unfolds gradually and

I don’t think it’s helpful to push him into talking about it. I don’t think the issue is that he doesn’t trust you or love you enough to share but that he’s not ready to face those memories and doesn’t want his past to become a problem for your future.

If he hasn’t had therapy, then that would be a step in the right direction. He has to be ready to open up, though, and be vulnerable, which is hard to do.

I think all you can do is let him know that you’re ready and willing to listen if he does want to talk about his childhood. It might reassure you to have a quiet word with his adoptive parents, who know him better than anyone, and ask them what you can do.

When it comes to discussions about your future, I think those are important, especially around how he feels about starting a family.

I know couples who’ve got married only to discover one of them wanted children and the other didn’t. So don’t feel bad about bringing up important topics that affect your future. You shouldn’t be walking down the aisle with those uncertainties at the back of your mind.

His parents had alcohol issues and he was adopted