FEELING TRAPPED AND KIDS SEE US FIGHT

Dear Coleen

MY husband and I haven’t been getting on for some time and have two children aged two and four. The atmosphere is terrible – we’re either not talking to each other at all or screaming at each other in front of the kids, which I’m not proud of.

I can’t stand it but there’s no way out – we’re tied in financially to various things, plus there’s the kids to think about.

I never thought our relationship would end up like this, as we used to be so in love.

Can you help? Right now I’m looking at a very miserable Christmas ahead.

Coleen says

WHAT changed between you and have you ever sought help through relationship counselling? It sounds like you need somewhere to take all this anger and frustration.

You don’t need me to tell you that screaming in front of the children is not good – it could have a lasting impact and their distress might also manifest itself in challenging behaviour.

It’s important to walk away from any heated discussions if your kids are in the room. Let them see you being civil to each other and getting along, even if that’s not how you feel inside. You really have to take the high ground here and put them first.

You say “there’s no way out”, but there’s always a way out and I wonder if you’re making excuses because separation feels overwhelming or you actually want to stay in the relationship. If it’s the latter, then get professional help. If it’s the former, then making the decision to separate and taking small steps towards it, including legal and financial advice, will help you feel more in control and give you something to aim for.

You need to be able to discuss the future without arguing because the situation isn’t making anyone happy. It’s always better for kids to have happy parents that live apart instead of angry ones who live together.