Yes, I am your Christmas health and safety officer

MY wife has just won “Miss Risk Assessor 2020” – the 21st year in a row that she has triumphed in this particular event.

Her first victory was secured when the children were very young and she heard about how a wee boy had choked on a cherry tomato.

From then on, each and every shiny, plump red fruit was halved and skewered with a knitting needle, so they would still be able to breathe if one was accidentally inhaled.

It never happened, of course, but it just might have.

Nevertheless, you would need to be at the top of your game to seize her title from her.

The problem is, it has rubbed off on me.

I see danger everywhere. There is the potential for trouble at every corner.

And then along comes Christmas to really freak me out.

There’s the tree for a start. From trailing electric cables (electrocution) to tinsel ( linear foreign body that cheese wires bowel) to fancy baubles (smashed pieces enter pad of dog’s foot) and the risk of toppling when the cat finally manages to displace the fairy at the top (carnage beyond belief ), it’s not safe.

Then there are the other foreign bodies that get swallowed, without fail, every single year.

Chocolate! Remember, dogs and children can still manage to eat this, even when they are “full”.

Raisins and currants! They are everywhere – and they kill dogs, although we still don’t know why.

Batteries! Why oh why do they make them in a shape that are so easily consumed? Someone should be charged for that.

And I can’t get it out my head either that many houseplants can be harmful. Dieffenbachia (dumb cane) is j u st not wo r t h having around and those red- tipped poinsettia, which are so common at this time of year, are very irritating.

The list is nearly endless. From the amaryllis to daffodil bulbs to umbrella plants, they are all toxic.

Indeed, my foliage fear is fulminating fast.

And, lest you think me paranoid, consider antifreeze, ibuprofen, macadamia nuts, pine potpourri , det e rgent s , nicot i ne replacements, alcohol, halffrozen turkey, onions and garlic.

Phew! How do any of us survive this time of year?

Remember, if your pet has swallowed something, it may do more damage coming up than going down, so don’t automatically try and make them sick.

Always seek veterinary advice – no matter how harassed you feel.

Happy Christmas! Be safe out there.