Brother rushing to get hands on mum’s things

Dear Coleen

SADLY, my mum, who was in her 70s, passed away recently. It was hard enough losing her but then so many of her friends and family couldn’t pay their respects at her funeral because of Covid-19 restrictions.

My problem now is that my younger brother is very keen to divide up her belongings, already earmarking things for himself and his daughters.

The haste with which he’s doing this feels inappropriate and disrespectful, plus, he’s not thinking of me and other family members, who are still feeling shell-shocked by our mum’s death.

In her will, my mum wanted the proceeds from her house to be split evenly between me and my brother, so that’s not a problem. She also mentioned a couple of pieces of jewellery she wanted to go to dear friends. Everything else, though, is “up for grabs” – at least that’s how my brother appears to see things.

I don’t want to fall out with him but I’m angry that he’s pushing this and showing no sensitivity.

It’s like he just wants to get in there first with the list of things he wants, so I can’t object. Do you have any ideas?

Coleen says

THE thing to do is to tell him how you feel without getting annoyed with him. Explain that it just feels a bit fast for you because you’re still struggling to accept your mum’s gone and you’d appreciate it if he gave you a bit of time.

Equally, I don’t think his behaviour means he’s being cold and heartless or that he’s not devastated and doesn’t miss her too.

My eldest brother is always very pragmatic in a crisis and deals with it by sorting things out.

For example, when my parents and my sister Bernie passed away, he was very practical, yet he accepted that other family members would deal with their grief differently.

People deal with grief in different ways and it has nothing to do with how much you loved the person who died.

Being practical and logical might also be a defence mechanism – if your brother is busy, then he’s not thinking about his loss.

The biggest asset – your mum’s house – is dealt with and, as far as the other things go, rather than having a big family fall-out, ask yourself what you really need. And if there’s something he desperately wants, ask yourself if it’s worth falling out over.

So many families fall out over an inheritance and it’s just not worth it because at some point (maybe when the person you’re arguing with is gone) you’ll regret arguing over a painting or some clothes.

For more help, visit bereavement charity cruse.org.uk.

I feel his actions are hurtful and disrespectful