MY GRIEVING WIFE DOES NOT WANT SEX

Lofty, Kent

I am baffled by the letters you get from women saying they’re having an affair with a married man who can’t make up his mind whether to leave his wife.

Ladies, you are being used and, deep down, I think you already know it. There is a big world out there waiting for you. She who dares, wins!

Dear Coleen

MY wife and I are in our early 30s and don’t have kids yet, although we hope to in the future. Sadly, before Christmas, my wife’s best friend died from cancer, which left my wife devastated.

She’s become quite distant and we haven’t been intimate since it all happened.

We used to have a healthy sex life, but now it’s nonexistent.

Somehow, it feels wrong and selfish to bring it up with her, given the circumstances, but I miss being close to my wife.

Do you have any advice on how I can talk to her about it?

Coleen says

I HAVE said many times on this page that grief affects everyone differently and, when it comes to sex, some people need the closeness and life-affirming quality that it brings, while for other people, it slips off the agenda completely.

It hasn’t been long since your wife’s friend passed away, so I think you need to cut her some slack. She could benefit from bereavement counselling.

Visit cruse.org.uk, which has advice and information that both of you might find useful.

The best way to approach it with your wife is not to make the conversation all about sex, so she feels pressured. Ask her how she’s feeling and how she’s coping because you’ve noticed she’s become a bit detached and you’re not as close as you were.

Tell her you’ve wanted to make love to her, but don’t know if she’d welcome it. Open a conversation and reassure her you’re there for her if she needs support or wants to offload.