He’s in no rush to be a dad but clock is ticking

Dear Coleen

I’M A 31-year-old woman and have been with my boyfriend, who is 38, for nearly three years now.

I really want us to have a baby but he’s reluctant because he has two sons with his ex-wife and says he doesn’t feel ready for another child right now, although he definitely wants to do it at some point.

I can’t understand it because he’s a great dad and has his boys 50 per cent of the time, so I see what he’s like around them. I know I’m not old but at my age I do need to start thinking about starting a family if it’s something I want to do.

We’re both employed and co-own our home, so we’re in a good position.

I know our relationship isn’t the issue because we’re in love and we talk about getting married quite a lot – when all the restrictions are over and we can have a proper celebration.

I just feel he’s not taking me seriously on this issue and it’s important to me.

He’s not getting any younger and I worry that he’ll get to 40 and another child will be off the agenda altogether.

I’d love your take on my dilemma.

I’D like to comment on the letter from the woman in her early 20s who wonders if she’s too young to start a family (Dear Coleen, March 12). The problem is not your age but the practicalities of caring for a baby when your partner is working and you’re studying.

As Coleen pointed out, there’ll be no uni social life for you and you could end up resenting the situation.

You have time to enjoy uni and later enjoy the wonder of bringing a new life into being. I hope you enjoy your baby, whenever you have one, as much as my wife and I have enjoyed our three. Tony, via email

Coleen says

I UNDERSTAND you can hear your biological clock ticking louder than before and, of course, this is a more pressing issue for you than it is for your boyfriend. However, you still have time as many women these days don’t start having kids until their mid-30s.

Having said that, it’s probably sensible to remind your boyfriend that a woman’s fertility does decline from the age of 35.

I can also see his point of view – he already has two kids, so he knows how challenging parenthood can be. It’s the most wonderful experience in the world but it can put pressure on both your relationship and your finances. But it can be hard to appreciate that before you’ve had a child of your own.

Maybe he wants to enjoy this time with you before taking on the responsibility of another child. Perhaps he simply wants to get married and have a great honeymoon and try for a baby after that.

I think the important thing is to be honest with each other about plans to start a family in the future and, as long as he’s still committed and open to discussing a timeframe, then I don’t think you should panic just yet.

I just feel he’s not taking me seriously, and it’s important