SHOCK A BYE BABY
Becoming a parent is huge change and experts say it’s natural for new parents to mourn for their old life
NO matter how much you want a baby or how prepared you think you are, becoming a parent for the first time can feel like a huge shock to the system.
Nothing else is quite as lifechanging as bringing a little one into the world, being entirely responsible for keeping them alive and teaching them everything they know.
While for some the shift into parenthood may feel natural, for others the adjustment is more complicated, and even if a new arrival brings a lot of joy, many mums and dads feel a sense of loss for their old lives too.
“From what we can see on the Mumsnet forums, it’s pretty common for new mothers to feel like this,” said Mumsnet founder and CEO Justine Roberts.
“In the last 12 months, there have been nearly six million page views of forum discussions that included the terms ‘pre-kids’ and ‘mourn’.
“For mothers in particular, the effects – from birth injuries and postnatal depression to career impacts and a loss of social status – can ricochet through their whole lives. We see so many women expressing a sense of dislocation as a life that was once filled with work, socialising, travel and exploration disappears almost overnight.”
There’s a huge stigma attached to admitting that parenthood hasn’t been exactly what you were expecting, that you’ve been less happy than you anticipated, or that you preferred some things about life before babies – freedom, autonomy, spontaneity, the ability to leave the house after 6pm, for example.
Psychologist Dr Alison McClymont said that the stigma creates a spiral of shame which can precede mental health conditions as parents wonder, “Is there something wrong with me for missing my old life?”
She added: “This in itself can be a rupturing thought, which may lead to a series of negative cognitions about their ability to parent, their sense of self and how good a person they are.
“I sincerely believe if we made it less stigmatising to simply say, ‘I miss some things I had in my life before having children’ we might catch some mental health conditions before they arise.”
McClymont understands why some compare their experience to a bereavement. “I think grief is (a) way to look at it,” she argued, “as you may feel shock and denial where you attempt to live as you did before, then anger or irritation when you realise you cannot, followed by the sadness of what you mourn for, and then an acceptance that this is how it is now. That was then, this is now.”
Managing your expectations before having a baby can help – Jenny Barrett, practice coordinator at NCT, said parents who have realistic expectations are “better equipped to adjust... Any huge shift in lifestyle can take time to get used to, and it’s OK to adjust at your own pace. “It’s OK to feel sad about the things you’ve sacrificed in order to start a family – and still be grateful you’ve been lucky enough to do so. “If you’re feeling stunned, or sad, or that you’ve made a ghastly mistake, the most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone and you’re definitely not a bad person for thinking it,” said Roberts. “On the contrary, it’s a sure sign that you’re taking parenthood seriously and that you will almost certainly ace it.” McClymont urged people to let go of any shame attached to missing parts of your old life: “Shame is an insidious and destructive emotion. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about. Parenting can be thankless, overwhelming, intense, lonely, boring and depressing. All of these things are OK – you are a human being.” Try to spend an hour a week on a hobby or exercise you enjoy and take up every offer of help – from friends, parents or grandparents – even for an hour so you can go for a walk, have a coffee in peace or just sleep. But most importantly – talk. Join parent support groups (online or in person) because whatever you’re feeling you can be pretty sure someone else is feeling it too.