Hubby’s cross-dressing lies make our marriage a sham

Dear Coleen

I’VE seen letters on your page from men who like to cross-dress but never imagined I might be in the same situation with my own husband.

I’m in my 30s and have been married for six years, and we don’t have children. I suppose that over the years I’ve suspected he might be hiding something from me, as he’d go through periods of being distant.

But I thought it might be down to work stress or even an affair.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I was having a clear-out as we’re moving house soon, and I found some women’s lingerie that isn’t mine among my husband’s things. It wasn’t new, so I knew it wasn’t meant as a gift for me.

As soon as he came home that night I confronted him and he got really upset, saying he wasn’t having an affair but that he likes to wear women’s lingerie, and it’s something he’s done in private for years.

He claims he’s not confused about his sexuality – he knows he’s straight and he loves me – and he’s not transsexual. I just don’t know what to think. I always thought I’d be cool about something like this but it feels as if our entire relationship has been a lie.

Can you help?

Coleen says

I DON’T think your marriage has been built on a lie at all. I think the crossdressing is a part of your husband that he hasn’t felt able to share with you.

I imagine it’s not something you can come out and say easily because you’re probably terrified your partner won’t understand and will instantly leave you. So I wouldn’t get hung up on this idea that he’s deliberately lied to you.

Perhaps what you’re trying to admit to yourself is you’re not sure how you feel about the crossdressing. You have to sit down with your husband and discuss it.

If he feels he can’t give it up, but you don’t want to see it or be part of it, then the compromise might be he continues to do it in private. I don’t think it’s something that needs to be the cause of a break-up – if you can handle it.

Over the years I’ve met many guys in Manchester who cross-dress and have been very happily married for 30 or 40 years. A lot of their wives knew about it and some didn’t, but they all had loving marriages.

I think it’s important to take time to work out your feelings and how you want to move forward. Do lots of talking and don’t make a rash decision.

TO the woman whose husband is complaining he’s been put on the back burner since she had a baby, tell him to get on his bike. From experience, this is pure jealousy and will get worse the more he’s placated. If he can’t support you at this time, he’s not worth the trouble. Lynn Manning

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I found some women’s lingerie that wasn’t mine