Wife punishing me for affair by keeping my daughter away

I HAVE two children with my ex-wife. My eldest lives with me and goes to university nearby, but my youngest daughter, who’s 12, lives with her mum, and I barely get to see her.

We broke up because I had an affair and I’m now married to the “other woman” and we have two very young children.

My ex doesn’t want our youngest daughter to have anything to do with my wife and my daughters, and it hurts like hell.

I’m not proud of having an affair but, to be honest, life with my ex was unbearable.

She has a very controlling family, who’s she’s close to, and they couldn’t stand me from the word go, excluding me from everything they could and bad-mouthing me to anyone who’d listen. My ex never backed me up, so eventually I moved on.

Now my ex is trying to hurt me by keeping our youngest away. I have to jump through so many hoops to see her, I usually give in and walk away.

My daughter does text me and call me, but it’s not the same as seeing her. I know my ex is still hurt and extremely angry over the affair, but she fails to see the bigger picture. I pleaded with her for years to support me when it came to her family, but she never would and, in my opinion, she ought to blame them for the break-up of our marriage. I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

WELL, it’s the oldest (and nastiest) trick in the book to hurt an ex by using your child as a weapon or some kind of bargaining tool.

Your ex-wife needs to wake up and realise that the person she’s really damaging with this attitude is your daughter. And it might come back to haunt her in years to come if your daughter turns round and blames her for ruining her relationship with you and for not having the opportunity to get to know her younger half-siblings.

I agree that your ex still sounds angry and, while it won’t be easy, I’d encourage you to put your own anger and frustration to one side and try to talk to her, perhaps with someone else mediating.

Your daughter shouldn’t have to suffer because of your affair and because the marriage ended. And if your ex won’t be reasonable, then you can obviously seek legal advice.

When you do speak to your daughter, reassure her you love her and that she’s always welcome in your home, and you want her to be a part of your life. And, as hard as it is, resist the temptation to badmouth her mother.

Explain to her that her mum is angry with you and upset that the marriage ended, but that none of it is your daughter’s fault, no one is angry with her and that you both still love her.

This is a difficult and emotionally charged situation, but don’t give in. You have a right to see your daughter.

“I know she’s still hurt but she can’t see the big picture