Mother-in-law dotes on our little girl but ignores our son
Dear Coleen
I’M a man in my 30s and have a daughter aged five and a son of three.
My problem is that my mother-inlaw is really engaged with our daughter but barely acknowledges our son, which I find very hurtful.
She dotes on our daughter and spoils her with gifts and is always offering to look after her or have her overnight, but she never includes our son.
As well as feeling upset by her leaving him out, it also doesn’t actually help my wife and I much in terms of childcare as we still have our son at home.
I have mentioned how I feel to my wife. She just thinks it’s because her mum has a “special bond” with our daughter because she was her first grandchild and that she “understands girls better” because she had daughters herself and no sons. I just think that’s a cop-out though. It really gets to me and it’s getting to the point where if my wife doesn’t say anything, I’m going to bring it up with my motherin-law myself.
Is this wise or should I leave well alone and seethe quietly?
Coleen says
I KNOW how you feel about this – it’s awful as a parent if you perceive that one of your children is favoured above another. It kills you.
I remember when my boys were little and one of my relatives idolised Jake to the detriment of Shane and I had to have a word with her.
She’d come round to take Jake to the park and I’d have to tell her she couldn’t take him without his brother.
If I were you, I’d probably have to have a word. Just say: “I can’t keep letting you only take our daughter out and leave her brother because it hurts me. They’re both your grandchildren and I’d like you to have a good relationship with them both. I want him to love you and I don’t want him to feel you don’t love him as much as his sister.”
It could be that your mother-in-law admits she finds toddlers challenging and can cope with your daughter, who’s calmer and easier. Or maybe she’s not even consciously aware she’s favouring your daughter and, at the very least, saying something will make her think.
I’m surprised your wife hasn’t said anything – perhaps she’s worried her mum will turn round and say: “Well, I won’t have either of them in that case.”