I wonder who Strictly curse will strike now
Five years after her divorce from ex-rugby player Ben, Abby Cohen, 41, has emerged stronger – and in an open letter to other women in her position, she assures them they too will cope
As the country sits down to watch Strictly, I certainly won’t be. And if I’m at someone else’s home and the hugely popular show comes on TV, I politely ask them to switch it off.
Even the music triggers too many painful feelings. Back in 2013, my thenhusband, former rugby star Ben Cohen, 42, took part in the series that marked the end of our 23-year relationship and the start of two mental breakdowns that took me to the darkest place imaginable.
I’m a naturally reserved person, so when the show returns each year and I’m asked for interviews, I usually say no.
Yet – although I’m not interested in publicity or cash – I want to close this chapter of my life. I realise I have a platform to help others , that’s something I don’t feel shy about sharing. So if I can help others in this position, I will.
Ben and I were childhood sweethearts. We met aged 16 working in Saturday jobs. I adored Ben – he was my heartbeat, my world, my hero. In return, he was utterly devoted to me, worshipping the ground I walked on. I will always cherish our journey of falling in love.
We married in July 2002 and it was the happiest day. No marriage is perfect, we had our ups and downs, with the tragic loss of Ben’s dad and our IVF journey.
As he grafted away with his rugby career, which sky-rocketed, I happily supported him. We had a smallholding and he’d spend hours on the ride-on mower as I looked after the house and horses. He was – and still is – a fantastic, hands-on father to our twin girls, now 13.
We’d never watched Strictly really. But when the offer came for him to appear, it made sense to say yes to develop his career in a different direction. We were simple country people – until Strictly, showbiz and all the sequins came along to burst my happy bubble.
Due to the fact our break-up was so public, hundreds of regular people who have had a similar experience reached out to me. I can’t respond to every one but I read each message and my heart goes out to them. This is why I am opening up now, to say to them, ‘You will get through this. And you will emerge stronger, like I have. But, my God, it will be hard’.
Our breakdown is our business and I won’t go into details. But as the show continued, our marriage disintegrated. I was used to seeing “macho” Ben on the rugby pitch, surrounded by guys. It was very different seeing him in the spotlight with Kristina Rihanoff, the professional dancer he’d been paired with. Seeing him act with a “look of love” – the same one I was used to in private – was tough. I sat in the audience smiling but looking back, I see I was terrified. Thankfully, I don’t recognise that frightened woman now, I’m so different.
Perhaps Strictly did me a favour in the long run. I clung on to our marriage as hard as I could – but we were growing in different directions. It was as if he’d gone up in a hot air balloon and not thrown me a rope. Our marriage finally collapsed in September 2014, when Ben told me he was leaving.
My world completely caved in. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I often couldn’t get out of bed. I lost interest in everything, all the things I love. Thank God for friends and family, who rallied to help me function on a daily basis.
I had two breakdowns, suffering panic attacks so severe I struggled to breathe, with this crushing pain in my solar plexus, lying on the floor sweating. Most nights, for many months, I’d call my brother, my dad or a close friend at 3am crying for help. They even drew up a support rota.
I needed medication. I tried all kinds of therapy, even hypnosis, crystals and Tarot readings searching for answers. At first, nothing touched the sides of the darkness. Rejection is the worst thing – you go through these feelings of, ‘I’m not nice, not pretty enough, he’s left me’. Why?
It took a few years to find clarity, with peaks and troughs. I lost my best friend suddenly, as well as my beloved dog and horse. In 2016 came the announcement that Ben was to become a father again, which felt like a dagger. I couldn’t imagine ever getting through this hell – but I did. And if I can, anyone can.
Slowly, I broke the cycle of obsessing over what had happened and trained my brain into creating new thought habits. I focused on making photography, my hobby, into a career. A jeweller friend asked me to shoot some pieces and it spurred me on to create a home studio. Now, I’ve pulled myself together. Having someone leave you is like grieving over a death. You have to dig deep, know it’s OK to cry. You learn coping tools in therapy and it takes practice before they seem useful. Be patient, they actually work.
Friends encouraged me to download dating apps. Initially, I was trying to look for replacement Bens. I’m 5ft 8in and in heels towered over many guys. They stood no chance. I was even approached by TV show First Dates but when I sent back my list of requirements, the production told me they couldn’t find a single man to meet my wishlist from their database of 50,000. I laugh about it today as I’m happier. I am looking forward to my next chapter.
I’m focusing on my career now. Before lockdown, I co-hosted a makeover pilot for an Amazon show called The Updaters.
I’ve soared in confidence and my photography business is thriving. In 2016, I did a mountain climb in Iceland for charity. At the peak, I sobbed. I knew how far I’d come in my life and it was that moment when I finally felt at ease. Ben doesn’t really know the person I’ve become – but I prefer her. I’m happier in my own skin and I’m not the broken girl who used to be married to a famous rugby player.
At the time of the break-up, I once angrily referred to Ben’s partner as “a f ***** g Russian dancer” to a journalist hassling me. I regret that.
Ben and Kristina live in my home town but I haven’t seen her since the show. He’s always remained a dedicated father. When we hand over the kids, I sometimes see a little of the old Ben and it makes me sad. But I breathe deeply and get on with my day. That was my old life.
Ben has moved on and I truly hope he is happy. While I won’t be watching Strictly, I quietly wonder who will suffer this year, when the so-called “curse” strikes. I will understand their agony and I want to reassure them that it may be torture – but they are stronger than they think. I was.
For info on Abby’s work, see abbycohenphotography.co.uk