Don’t understand why his daughter is rude to my son
Dear Coleen
I’VE been with my partner for about a year and it’s going well, apart from the fact his teenage daughter seems to really hate my teenage son.
Whenever the four of us are together, she goes out of her way to leave him out of the conversation and is even pretty rude to him at times.
For example, a couple of weeks ago she invited us over for dinner at their place, which I thought was a step in the right direction, but then conveniently “forgot” that my son is vegan, so he couldn’t eat any of the food she’d prepared.
She seemed to find it amusing rather than apologise and try to figure out what he could eat.
My son is very easygoing, so told everyone not to worry and ate a peanut butter sandwich while we were tucking into our meat and veg.
I feel so sorry for my son, who’s a lovely lad and liked by everyone he meets. I don’t know why my partner’s daughter has it in for him, as she’s always been nice to me.
I need to say something to my partner but he’s very defensive when it comes to his daughter, as she had a rough time growing up with an alcoholic mother.
Any advice?
Coleen says
I THINK she’s showing a bit of stepsibling rivalry and probably feeling threatened by this new family dynamic. She might even feel a bit jealous of your son – he’s still got you, but it doesn’t sound like her mum is in the picture. She’s had her dad on her own for a while, he’s always been her constant and her rock through tough times and now there’s potentially a new stepmum and a new stepbrother and she might be unconsciously terrified of that.
Your son sounds lovely and obviously isn’t making a drama out of this, and if you stay with your partner, his daughter will have to adjust. Maybe next time, your son can bring his own vegan food and that’ll show her up a bit. Or why not say to her: “Shall I ask him to bring his own food this time?”
The thing is, however old your child is, they’re still very connected to all the things that happened when they were growing up.
My eldest son is 32 but whenever I’m around he’s 10 again. When I got together with my second husband, Ray, my boys had to get used to a stepparent coming into the family and it took a couple of years before we found our feet.
I understand you feeling upset for your son but if he’s not worried about it, then don’t make it into a bigger issue. If the meanness carries on, then you can say to your partner, in a nice way, that you think his daughter is acting up a bit and you don’t want her to feel like she’s being sidelined, and ask how you can help her with it.
He’ll only get defensive if you “attack” her. Good luck.