I’m feeling confused over rules of trial separation
Dear Coleen
MY girlfriend and I have agreed to take a break from our relationship because living under the same roof was getting very intense.
We love each other and want things to work out, but she’s angry at me all the time and I can’t deal with it.
We have a baby, who’s nearly a year old, so that complicates things quite a lot in terms of living apart. We’ve both found becoming parents stressful, especially having our son in a lockdown, and we argue constantly about everything or just don’t talk at all.
I feel she blames me for things that are totally outside of my control instead of accepting we both need to make changes.
We have been together for only four years and almost two of those have been taken up with Covid lockdowns, pregnancy, a new baby and working from home.
I have no idea how to do a trial separation – what boundaries should we put in place for it to work?
As far as I am concerned, this is make or break for us and I really want to give it the best chance.
Coleen says
WELL, in my opinion for a break to work and help you to find the answers you’re looking for, it means you don’t live together and you’re not in contact all the time. But you don’t jump into bed with someone else and then claim: “We were on a break!”
Obviously, you need to work out a plan for your son but if you do that prior to moving out, hopefully it will mean you’re not on the phone all the time making arrangements or arguing over them.
It’s about putting space between the two of you, so you can think and just “be” without feeling the pressure of the other person being there all the time. Get on with your lives as if you’re not together, minus the dating other people bit.
I don’t think you should be too hard on yourselves and each other because you’ve been through a lot in the past year in really hard times. So the solution might be as simple as taking a breather, so you can come back ready and willing to find solutions.
It’s a good idea to put a timeframe on it – whether that’s weeks or months – because you don’t want to feel in limbo for too long.