Let’s hear it for Quiz Akabusi, 3 Mustgetbeers & Fire! Fire! Fire!
HEALTH chiefs have warned just how quickly Covid clusters can emerge after a number of cases were reported at the Fairmont Hotel in St Andrews after a Take That tribute night.
A spokesman said: “It only takes a minute…”
My team were caught up in the crisis on Sunday when – courtesy of some Coronavirus confusion – the Motherwell FC players and staff travelled to Celtic Park in 35 cars!
Sounds bonkers, but what a result for the wee snottery urchins outside the stadium who watch your motor for a quid.
My favourite Covid story this week? Well, the quiz team names at Boris Johnson’s “alleged” party that didn’t take place were revealed – including Professor Quiz Whitty, Next Slide Please and Beaver Fever (I’m guessing that was Matt Hancock’s team).
Ironically, there was another one called Wisemen & Women. Aye right! As a veteran quiz-master (throughout the 90s, I was the man with the mic at The Bentley Hotel in Motherwell and the Town Snooker Club round the corner) I’ve always enjoyed a right good team name.
Unforgettable favourites include Quiz Akabusi, Jason and the Argos Catalogue, Norfolk ’n’ Chance, Quiz Team Aguilera, The Beating Chastards, Magners Magnusson, The Cunning Linguists, The Three Mustgetbeers and The Champagne Cork Suckers (always a hard one to get your tongue around).
One name that never failed to make people sit up and take notice was Fire! Fire! Fire! while two that threatened to cause a great deal of confusion were This Week’s Winners and The RunnersUp.
Imagine how that might have panned out?
“This Week’s Winners are the
I’ve always enjoyed a right good quiz team name
runners-up with 85 points, but this week’s winners are The Runners-Up with 92 points…”
Pass the Anadin Extra!
You cannae beat a good pun – especially in Christmas cracker season – so my tail was wagging this week when I read a report that revealed 90 per cent of our dogs love listening to music.
A few festive favourites immediately sprung to mind: All I Want For Christmas Is Chew, I Saw Mummy Sniffing Santa Claus.
And let’s not forget Jingle Bells – doesn’t that begin with “Daschund through the snow…”?
Recorded by Spaniel O’Donnell,
Shirley Basset, The Pointer Sisters, Boney M, Collie Murs and The Beagles, how about these pop classics?
I Want To Bark Free, A Little Yelp From My Friends, Daydream Retriever, Walkies On The Moon, First Mutt Is the Deepest, Please Re-Leash Me, All You Need Is Ruff, I Wanna Hold Your Hound, Pit Bull Wizard, Another One Bites The Postman, Pearl’s A Springer and You’re Sixteen, You’re Beautiful And We’re Having You Put Down…
Talking of puns, hello to regular reader Bob McFarlane, a man I dubbed “Hamilton’s No.1 Punster” in this paper many years ago.
Bob’s been in hospital for most of 2021 – he’s asked me to mention all the
brilliant staff and nurses on Ward 9 at Hairmyres in East Kilbride – but he got in touch this week to say: “Satsuma, clementine, tangerine.”
Yep, during lockdown, he’s been learning to speak mandarin.
After reflecting on this week’s news that the majority of prison inmates are overweight – Bob reckons this gives a whole new meaning to “Roll out the Bar-L” – he offered his sympathies following my recent colonoscopy.
“My pal got one last year,” he said, “and it completely rectum.”
Bob’s top tip for a pain-free procedure?
Next time, go for the little known semi-colonoscopy. It’s done under an induced comma.
Lovely to hear from you, Bob. I hope you – and your jokes – get well soon…
PS. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Boris gets done for drink-driving.
Just to see if Ant & Dec – particularly Ant – are still as quick with the wisecracks.
PPS. Spoke to a young antivaxxer in an Edinburgh pub this week who explained he didn’t get his jags as he’s terrified on needles.
You’ll understand why I could only shake my head, dear reader, when I tell you he was COVERED in tattoos…