IAN HYLAND’S TV Screen idols of the year...
AS we prepare to say goodbye to 2021, I feel it is important to let the TV industry know that its efforts over the past 12 months have been noted.
So I’ve created some special awards. Happy New Year everyone!
PS I’ve also named my favourite shows of the year because if I’ve learnt one thing from Laura this year, it’s that balance is crucial.
The Lance Corporal Jones They Don’t Like It Up ‘Em Memorial Award:
Gossamer-skinned manbaby Piers Morgan for walking off Good Morning Britain because the lowly weatherman dared to challenge his opinion. Honourable mention: Andrew Neil for running off to hide in France the minute he realised GB News was dead in the water.
The Well Tonight Thank God It’s Them Instead Of You Award:
Whichever poor sod had to sit in an editing suite and compile the best bits videos for the dullest I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here in history. The Chris Whitty Award For Health & Safety: EastEnders, where Chantelle’s horrible death, right, reminded us never to place knives blade-up in the dishwasher. The Simon Cowell Hand In The Air Have You Got A Second Ending? Award: Jed Mercurio for the dreadful anticlimax that was the Line Of Duty finale, below.
The Jesus, Mary & Joseph And The Wee Donkey – That’s How You Do A Series Finale Properly! Award: The jawdropping ending of ITV’s superb crime drama Unforgotten.
The Grand Designs Has A Lot To Answer For Award:
All those cliched crime and family dramas such as ITV’s Angela Black, below, that took place in flashy houses with lots of glass doors, minimalist decor and giant kitchen islands. I’m expecting Kevin McCloud’s debut as a TV detective next year.
The Everything But The Kitchen Sink Award:
To Suranne Jones’s TARDIS-like kit bag on
BBC1’s submarine nonsense Vigil, right. Sadly, the one thing she didn’t have room for in there was a decent script. The Beloved Aunt Award For Misprints: GB New’s’s woefull capshun wrighters.
The Spirit Of Brexit Award: Voting spokesperson Amanda Holden for reminding the whole of Europe that it talks funny as she represented our nation’s interests at Eurovision.
The Always Coming Up Smelling Of Roses Award:
Prince William, who has been shown in a favourable light in so many programmes I’m starting to think the entire industry is moonlighting as his PR company. The Test And Trace Award For Biggest Waste Of Money: A three-way tie between Boris
Johnson spaffing £2.6million on a TV briefing room, below, and then not using it, Simon Cowell giving away £500k on Walk The Line – a new show barely anyone watched – and the BBC pouring our cash straight down the kitchen sink with Gordon Ramsay’s Bank Balance.
The Simon And Garfunkel Sound Of Silence Award:
A tie between Rose and Giovanni’s mesmeric quiet pause on Strictly Come Dancing and that 10 minutes of bliss between Piers Morgan storming off Good Morning Britain and coming back.
The John Barrowman Award For Overexposure:
To be shared equally between omnipresenters Gregg Wallace, pictured bottom, Bradley Walsh and Alex Scott.
The Everyone’s A Critic Award:
Sheridan Smith’s canine co-host Stanley, left, who paused at the very beginning of BBC1’s dog’s dinner Pooch Perfect to curl one out on the carpet. Sorry, Stan, we should’ve heeded your warning.
The Enough To Put You Off Going On Holiday Ever Again Award:
A toss-up between BBC1’s badly timed and poorly executed gameshow Take Off With Bradley And Holly and, for altogether different reasons, Sky Atlantic’s utterly brilliant luxury resort-based drama The White Lotus, pictured top.
The Could You Be Any More Sycophantic? Award:
James Corden on The Friends Reunion. Honourable mention: Oprah Winfrey on Oprah With Meghan And Harry.
The Fart In A Lift Award:
Anne Robinson, whose welcome at Channel 4’s Countdown could be
described, at best, as frosty.
The I Hope You Kept The Receipts Award:
Laurence LlewelynBowen, left, who, ahead of Channel 4’s woeful Changing Rooms reboot, revealed: “I’ve made a significant investment in new leather trousers.”
The Finest Depiction Of A Couple In Lockdown Award:
That pair of tapirs in The Secret Life Of The Zoo who, we were told, had been enjoying a love/hate relationship and putting away 40kg of food each day.
The Sneaky Troll Of The Year Award:
To BBC2 for persuading Rupert Murdoch’s current wife Jerry Hall to go hunting for crusty antiques that might be worth a bob or two on Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.