Pig to human heart swap op sounds like a rasher decision
OWN up, girls. When you heard a 57-year-old American had become the first man to be fitted with a pig’s heart, how many of you gazed wearily at the big lump lying on your couch and thought: “Really…?”
My missus is convinced I once got a transplant involving a donkey but, sadly, I’m not boasting.
Nope, she simply insists I do “heehaw” around the house.
(Forget about taking a tail off a donkey, I’d love a pig tail transplant. Never again would I struggle to find a corkscrew.)
If you didn’t catch this story, dear reader, I swear I’m not telling porkies – a dying man in the USA has become the first ever person to have a successful pig heart transplant.
I did get a few emails about it, but they went straight into my spam folder…
Putting a pig’s organ into a human seems utterly bizarre. Although I do recall a former prime minister trying it the other way round during his student days.
In the early days of this pioneering surgery, I believe they managed to fit a pig’s ear to a man – an operation that had mixed results.
The patient’s hearing improved, but there was a fair bit of crackling (copyright, Jimmy Cricket 1983).
Listen, I can only applaud the brave Yank.
It seems a rash decision to get a HUMAN heart transplant. But from a pig? That’s rasher…
Anyway, the good news is he’s now recuperating and, last I heard, he was sitting up in bed watching Only Fools and Horses. Ah yes, he loves the Trotters.
Apparently, the only thing concerning him now is itchy skin – also known as pork scratching – but the doctor has given him some special oinkment
I’d love a pig tail transplant as I’d never again need to search for a corkscrew
(copyright, Merry Mac Fun Page, The Sunday Post, 1972).
Moving swiftly on – but staying with the animal theme – scientists have discovered that female bottlenose dolphins can have orgasms just like women.
(“What do you mean, just like women?” – Tam’s wife.)
I once chatted up a dolphin and, yep, you could say we clicked.
But I blew it on Valentine’s Day when I bought her some fishnets.
PS. I can’t mention hospital patients without wishing all the best to regular reader Bob McFarlane – Hamilton’s No1 punster – who’s now back home after spending most of 2021 at Hairmyres in East Kilbride.
The doctors and nurses on Ward 9 were apparently delighted with the mention I gave them before Christmas and Bob says his street cred went through the roof.
“They started giving me double rations,” he says. “Mind you, there are only so many enemas a man can take.”
As a wee surprise Xmas present, I’d managed to arrange a bed-bath for Bob, but he politely declined the offer as he didn’t want to be thought of as a sponger.
Anyway, he’s now recuperating and – as advised by his doc – Bob says he’s trying to lose some weight.
Next time that he orders food online, he won’t be accepting any cookies…
●According to a survey, Brummie is the worst accent in the UK. A bit harsh, I reckon, as it did provide one of my all-time favourite jokes.
A guy walks into a shop in Birmingham and asks for a kipper tie.
“Sure,” says the assistant, “milk and sugar?” ●A Swiss artist wants to turn his creations into diamonds – using his own faeces.
Christoph Buechel says that he’ll extract the carbon from his poo, make it into graphite and press it into diamonds.
He apparently got the idea from Prince Andrew whose a*** has been making buttons. ●So, 90 per cent of men say their top bedroom fantasy is a threesome? My pal Joe had one last week. “Okay,” he said, “two no-shows, but it was fine…”
I’ll never forget the time my wife, while enjoying a wee glass of wine, asked which of her pals I’d invite round for a threesome.
I think I was only meant to suggest ONE other name… ●The M8 through Glasgow has been branded a danger to the public.
Generating noise levels in excess of 80 decibels, it’s been compared to the runway at Glasgow Airport.
What? Do planes take off at 12mph…?