I discovered lover has a secret fiancée and a son
Dear Coleen
I MET a guy online a few months ago and we’ve been seeing each other regularly and sleeping together.
He’s never talked much about his family or friends, but I just assumed I’d meet them in time.
However, the longer we were together, I wanted to find out more about him, and he explained that his family life was “complicated” and that he had a “crazy ex-girlfriend” who’s still in touch with his family.
I suppose I should have seen the red flags, but I chose to ignore them because I was in love. Anyway, I bumped into an old friend a couple of weeks ago and mentioned I was dating this guy, and she looked confused.
She said she knew the family quite well and was convinced he was engaged to someone else and that they had a son. I thought she must be talking about a different person, but when she went into more detail, I realised it was my boyfriend. I felt sick when I thought about how much he’d lied. He was basically living a double life.
I called him immediately and as soon as I started telling him what I’d found out, he cut me off and I haven’t been able to get hold of him since.
I feel like such an idiot and feel like his family and his fiancée should know what he’s done. I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
YOU’RE hurting badly right now because of the heartbreak, and you’re angry because you’ve been betrayed and deceived. However, I promise these horrible feelings will fade in time.
As unfair as all this is, I don’t actually think it’ll help you to confront his fiancée and his family. The only way of moving forward and feeling strong again is to focus positively on your own life.
Try to reframe it – he’s a cheat and it’s good you found out before you invested any more time in him.
Writing him an email, explaining how you feel, might be therapeutic and give you some feeling of closure. He probably won’t reply, but I’m sure he’ll read it.
It’s important not to allow this to ruin your self-esteem, which I know is challenging, as I’ve been cheated on myself in the past. What happened isn’t a reflection of you – it’s on him. Focus on your future and you’ll feel stronger with every day.
“I told him what I’d found out and he just cut me off