TEXT JOKES OF THE WEEK

● Just heard that motor manufacturer Kia has invented a car that can do a U-turn on a voice command. They’re calling it the Kia Starma.

● Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear who wrote telephone hold music…?

● When my wife accidentally superglued her eyes shut thanks to the glue being next to her eyedrops, I did what any concerned husband would do and acted fast. I placed the tube beside her toothpaste.

● My pal claims he’s now identifying as a stringed instrument from the harp family, popular among nobility in medieval Europe. I reckon he’s a lyre.

● Top marriage tip for men: your wife won’t start an argument with you if you are cleaning.

● I once got diarrhoea during a golf lesson. My swing wasn’t up to much, but my follow through was spectacular.

● My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and noticed me giving it plenty of admiring looks. “Work hard and put the hours in,” he said, “and this time next year I’ll have an even better one.”

● After the ballet skirt was invented, the creators spent days coming up with a name. Then they put tu and tu together.

● I went to the ballet for the first time last week. Strange to see all those people performing on their tiptoes. Can’t they just find taller dancers?

● Guys, see if you close your eyes and hold a kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference! You will, however, get banned from Asda.

● I’m sick of those 70s novelty records they insist on playing at British holiday camps. So this year I’m off to sunny Spain.