TAM COWAN’S CHRONICLES
If laughter was best medicine, my old man would go on forever
Finally got round to watching The irishman this week – a Martin Scorcese classic – starring arguably the three greatest actors in the world: Robert de niro, al Pacino and Joe Pesci.
(No offence to my big River City pal Grant Stott…)
It was absolutely brilliant but it’s long. Very long.
As Ricky Gervais hilariously pointed out at the Golden Globe awards: “The clip we’re showing tonight is 86 minutes.”
No kidding, folks, my first thought when I made it all the way to the closing credits?
If my dad lasts that long, I’ll be delighted.
The old boy is still hanging on in there – genuine thanks to the many Daily Record readers who, on the back of last week’s column, have asked me to pass on their best wishes – but let’s just say he won’t be entering next year’s London Marathon. You’ve got to laugh, eh? When we got “the call” last Wednesday and it seemed he was about to slip away, I couldn’t help asking my wee sister: “Do you think it’s my fault for selling him to Craig Whyte for £1…?”
Miraculously, though, my 90-yearold father made an incredible recovery – “Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Lazarus!” – and by the Friday morning he was picking his horses and singing to the nurses!
A few choruses, rather poignantly, of We’ll Meet Again. (Could have been worse – at least it wasn’t If Tomorrow Never Comes…)
Tell you what, Dad, if laughter really is the best medicine, you might still get the official telegram from King Charles if you read this next bit…
The award for Stupidest Question of the Week?
That goes to my old Hamilton pal Chick McGuire. In a text this week, he asked: “What’s wrong with your dad?”
And I replied: “His stunt team got their calculations wrong and, after hitting the ramp slower than expected, his motorcycle crashed into the final doubledecker bus…”
He’s 90 FFS! That’s what’s wrong with him!
Keep fighting, auld yin. Talking of the golden oldies, it was VE Day on Wednesday and I got a text from Rangers legend Derek Parlane who looked after me royally when I had a gig earlier this year in his adopted home of Lytham St Annes.
And no, it wasn’t to share his personal memories of Victory in Europe back in May 1945…
You see, folks, any jokes about The King of Ibrox being an old codger simply don’t work.
I mean, look at him! Is it any wonder I call him Simon Le Bon?
Believe it or not, the big man was 71 last week! (I look like his dad in that photo…) Nah, Derek messaged me to say he was raising a glass to his dear old grandfather who brought down 40 German aircraft during World War II.
Apparently, he was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had…
(True story – my grandpa shot down a German plane as it was flying over the Forth Bridge. Unfortunately for him, it was 1983.)
Another Scottish football great – Gordon Strachan – revealed this week he once entered a lookalike competition as himself and finished SECOND!
The winner was a woman who looked like Coronation Street character Vera Duckworth.
If the judges were fans of the ITV soap, Gordon must h a ve been kicking himself – he shoul d have entered the competition as wee Chesney…
My BBC mucker Chick Young tells a wonderful story about recording a car advert for Radio Clyde.
When he did the obligatory “ho-ho-ho” – the trademark laugh made famous by Only An Excuse star Jonathan Watson – at the end of the commercial, the producer asked him to do it again. Why? “You’ve not got the laugh right,” he said.
As the bald – sorry, BOLD – Chico quite rightly pointed out: “It’s MY f ***** g laugh!!!”
Staying with football, a pal in the north-east tells me it was Aberdeen FC’s end of season golf day on Wednesday – and where was it held?
At the luxurious five-star Gleneagles Hotel in Perthshire. Golf at Gleneagles? After a season like that?
It should have been a round of putting at a Premier Inn. In fairness, I hear it was an extra-special day for the supporters lucky enough to take part – 18 teams, a shotgun start and everyone got to play with one of the Aberdeen managers from this season…
Gordon must be kicking himself.. he should have entered as Wee Chesney