JUST MY LUX

Posh 7 Series is top of the lottery shopping list

I’VE been gagging to drive the new BMW 7 Series.

I’ve seen the billboard ads, clocked them on the street and ogled them in showrooms.

But what really whet my appetite was driving the Rolls-Royce Dawn earlier this year. To all intents and purposes, it’s a re-skinned 7 Series with a lot more added bling.

So last week a black, long-wheelbase 730 arrived outside my house. The neighbours must have assumed Alan Sugar was visiting.

It’s an imposing car in terms of its vast stature but weirdly it’s also kind of subtle. To most people it’s just a big, black BMW. The styling queues are generic BMW family and, with that, it tends to blend into its background to the point where most people don’t give it a second glance.

Dedicated car pests spot it straight away but it’s a rare occurrence. Perfect for the publicity shy tycoon.

So while the outside is commendably unremarkable, the inside is OFF THE SCALE MENTAL!

Such is the opulence, if you told me that the washer bottle was filled with the tears of a thousand orphans I’d believe you.

You could have a night out in the new 7 Series. In fact we did.

There’s so much to fiddle with, it’s a source of boundless entertainment. From the bowel-moving tonal range of the hi-fi to the full-body massage seats (possibly also bowel moving if you relax too much), to the reclining rear seats, it’s pretty insane.

And then there’s the big screen TVs in the back to watch your favourite show, internet connectivity, a pop-out tablet computer to control settings (mauve LED mood lighting or green?) and even the smart key with swipe menus to pre-programme your favourite climate settings from the comfort of your living room prior to travel.

To all you Premier League footballers – stop scanning through this paper to get to the bit at the back where we’re writing about you – just go and buy one instead of a cliched Range Rover.

What is it? A day’s wages? Your kids would love you for it. There’s so much to fiddle with in the back, you wouldn’t hear a peep from them.

It’s fairly amazing to drive, as well. It might not waft precisely like a RollsRoyce (they have a secret factory devoted to creating waftiness) but the ride quality is still sublime and it’s near silent at the legal cruising speed on motorways.

For such a big old girl she goes like stink, too. That turbo-charged sixcylinder motor produces a typhoon of torque right from the moment the accelerator detects the approach of your right foot.

It’s a lesson in how to turbocharge. No detectable lag whatsoever – just power on tap, regardless of the revs. It’s stupidly quiet as well. Petrol quiet.

But where this big 7 Series really scores over a luxury SUV is in the handling stakes. With a roll centre about two stories lower than an SUV, this luxo-barge can fairly hustle through corners and rapid direction changes in a way that would see most SUVs lurching and slewing like a halffull bath on stilts.

I am a massive, massive fan of the BMW 7 Series – can you tell?

It’s possibly a little late in life for me to consider playing professional football but it’s not going to stop me buying lottery tickets.

And the first thing on my roll-over jackpot shopping list will be a black 730LD. BEAUTY OF A BEAST: 7 Series offers understated ultimate luxury