Cranky Kim’s scrub-human
JUST when you thought “Celebrity” Big Brother couldn’t get any worse, they sent in Kim Woodburn.
The TV cleaner hit the house like a demented whirlwind, randomly starting rows with the other nonentities.
Cranky Kim, 74, dropped the F-bomb and accurately dubbed the housemates “a two-faced bunch of chicken-livered sh*ts”.
She goaded Nicola, inset, calling her “a horrible girl” and Jamie an “adulterer”. It was as if she’d spent the previous week swigging Ajax. The old dear has been digging out more people than a quicksand rescue crew.
In the process she’s come over like a pop-eyed lunatic…or, a cynic might say, like someone with a clearly defined plan to grab the lion’s share of the camera time. Eventually Big Brother security carted her off, right.
With Kim squawking, Stacy screeching, Chloe seething and Jessica joining in, 90% of this show consists of mad birds shouting at each other.
It’s like Jeremy Kyle with added alcohol – all the sophistication of a Blackpool hen party without the chips.
Kim’s war on sanity has even overshadowed the show’s other quickly evicted nuisance Chloe Ferry, who is all gob and cellulite.
As well as kicking off loudly, the delicate flower rubbed her naked buttocks on Jedward eejit John and made a discrete play for Calum Best by sitting on his lap and trying to stick her tongue down his throat.
Sexy? You wouldn’t even poke her on Facebook.
Shirt-averse Calum is like catnip for women, apparently. At least four of them are after his tattooed body, making him the centre of the show’s firstever love pentagram. A suitably satanic Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN symbol for a format that’s going to hell in a handcart. But Calum’s not really a celebrity. None of them are. TV has bent the term out of all recognition. Unable to find genuinely talented people to amuse or entertain us, they bombard us with insufferable wannabes and ranting buffoons. CBB has become an assembly line of disposable, semi-recognisable, emotionally incontinent no-marks. Channel 5 can film their arguments and pretend relationships, like Bianca’s showmance with Jamie. But they can’t save THE Sherlock finale was the biggest waste of 90 minutes since Watford v Middlesbrough. It was all smoke and mirrors.
The terrified child on the plane wasn’t real, nor was the killer clown. Moriarty was pre-recorded… and there definitely was glass between Holmes and his controlling sister in this format. Reality TV is eating itself. Were bored with it.
It’s no coincidence that the fine actor James Cosmo, who has acted like a gentleman throughout, is the bookies’ favourite to win.
CBB in subtitles – Kim: “You’re all carrots!” (Cowards). “Nicola’s a little pitch” (Bitch, but I wouldn’t mind playing keepieuppie there). “James can’t have an adult session with Jedward” (A conversation, hopefully). the wide shots. The writers mashed up bits of The Silence of the Lambs, Fort Boyard and Bourne (Sherlock and Watson leaping through windows to escape a conveniently delayed-action grenade). It had everything…except actual sleuthing and a coherent plot.
Mary Watson returned yet again at the end – I never liked her when she was alive, she’s even smugger dead.
SHOULD the Beeb go back to Conan Doyle? In the books Watson reports “a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up”.
So he wasn’t dreaming of Mrs Hudson… LEE Mack, right… Jimmy Carr… Quarry (SkyAt)… Joanna Scanlon, No Offence… Taboo. LET It Shine – ain’t it sh*te?...Martin Kemp, left – judge dreadful… Sugar Free Farm – you’d find more life on a Silent Witness slab…Jack Dee’s Inauguration Helpdesk – hopeless. ONE a pretty but plastic creation turned on by suffering and conflict, the other married Chucky.