Alley bonk with a stand-up guy
RONNIE O’Sullivan’s American Hustle. Stephanie Cole. Tipsy Rod Stewart at the Scottish Cup 5th round draw. Endeavour sharing Fosdick Ward with Carry On Doctor, but sadly no Dr Tinkle. Chas & Dave, Further Back In Time For Dinner. ONE bit of good news: no one has unearthed a John McCririck sex tape…yet. APPLE Tree Yard holds out the exciting prospect that British women in their fifties are secretly gagging for it.
Unless you’re married to them, of course.
Yvonne Carmichael is a respectable genetic scientist with two kids, a husband and a grandchild on the way.
But all it takes is a sleazy bloke and a handy broom cupboard and she’s at it like a Geordie Shore slapper.
She’s just given MPs a talk about GM grub when a suave civil servant invites her to see Parliament’s crypt.
And it’s here, in a cupboard in St Mary’s Chapel, out of sight of the martyred saints, that Yvonne goes from Standing Committee to standing knee trembler.
Randy Mark Costley has one foot in a mop bucket and half a foot in her. Kicking the bucket has never looked such fun. “It’s a Royal Peculiar,” he says, though I’m not sure if that’s the crypt THE lesser spotted 764 to Barking caused chaos in Albert Square, ploughing into the market from George Street.
The poor driver had a heart attack but still managed to steer his double-decker down Turpin Road around two corners and a bend to smash into Bridge Street. What a tragedy!
And what a wasted opportunity. No one we knew died. With a bit more effort he could have taken out Babe, Steven, Ben, New-Michelle…I’d have brought Lucy back to life just to kill her again.
GOOD old Whitney. Like the bus that flattened her, she’s still got room for one more on top. Roll on Mickney! JOE Pasquale likened Gemma Collins to a fat pig on Loose Women. It was an outrageous suggestion, extremely unfair to pigs – they’re bright and socially useful. Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN or the position. Later she writes: “Sex with you is like being eaten by a wolf.” Which sounds a lot bloodier and more painful than it looked.
After that she’s hooked. They romp in a disabled toilet, leaving her flushed, and, of course, in Apple Tree Yard itself, inset – now known locally as Grapple Me Hard.
He talks her into going commando for a work do and very nearly takes her up the alley in broad daylight.
Costley, clearly a serial adulterer, is addicted to high-risk public sex. Yvonne is shockingly reckless too – at one point she brazenly mixes glass and plastics in her recycling bin. But the affair does wonders for her.
She glows as she grows in self-confidence, until creepy colleague George THOSE new Rory McGrath shows: They Think It’s All Leg-over, One Man In A Bush, Chelmsford 1 to 3 suspended… Craddock violently rapes her after an office party. This presumably is why she ends up in handcuffs. Will Mark go full wolf on the charmless Craddock? Is he really a spy, as Yvonne suspects? Was their shagging caught on CCTV? Will her notes on the affair, filed on her home computer under “VAT Query 3” give new meaning to double entry book-keeping? And has she any idea her academic husband is living a secret life as a gay man on ITV’s Unforgotten? These are the questions. For the answers we’ll have to keep watching. THE drama has been described as “slow-burn”. Hmm. That must explain why Yvonne was Googling STD clinics. NOTE: Her hubby is played by Mark Bonnar, but Ben Chaplin’s the one doing the boning. NO matter what train-line Michael Portillo travels on for Great American Railroad Journeys his garish clothes are strictly BR – bloody ridiculous. EMILY Watson, right, Apple Tree Yard…Ciara Charteris, Endeavour… Graham Norton… Fortitude (SkyAt) – barking mad. THE Cult Next Door was tragedy dressed as farce. Comrade Bala believed the Chinese Red Army would liberate Britain in 1977. When it didn’t happen, he told his small band of female followers it had done STACY Francis – earache in human form…Pippa Harris, left, banging on at NTAs, did she think it was the Oscars?… Silent Witness – trueto-life as Cinderella. but Peking didn’t want us to know about it.
Hilarious – except sicko Bala kept the brainwashed women prisoner and abused them for years.
Will TV ever get round to Comrades Healy and Delta?