A Wong turn at Queen Vic
ON Tuesday, people walked out of a London pub because an old dear with dementia put on a Chinese accent during a quiz night.
Not in real life, obviously, but on EastEnders.
Poor Sylvie told Vic regulars: “My name is Suzi Wong, please listen to my tong” before attempting to sing the Goons’ Ying Tong Song.
Half the pub left in protest at this “racism” and the terrible affront it might have caused to the soap’s imaginary Chinese community.
Leaving aside the inconvenient fact that Walford has never had a regular Chinese family – real discrimination, surely? – who on earth thinks this would happen in an old-fashioned East End boozer?
Sylv might have been heckled. She might have been indulged, or quickly rechristened Sum Tim Wong.
But self-respecting Cockneys wouldn’t have acted like soppy students rushing to their “safe place”.
Great drama reflects What Is. Bad drama is what the writer believes Should Be.
BBC drama doesn’t mirror reality. It tells us what to think.
So Enders characters attack private healthcare and public schools. In one recent episode Denise claimed “half the country is at food banks”. Hmm.
I can’t recall the locals having anything to say about illegal immigration. But if Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN they did they’d be for it. The Vic will have transgender khazis before the spineless saps tackle a real issue like Jihadi brides. All their Muslims hang out in pubs.
Their disdain for the English is at Emily Thornberry levels.
They’ve had parties for Burns Night, Diwali and even US Independence Day.
But the only time St George got a look-in was as part of some feeble Alfie Moon con.
Relentless misery constantly undermines the soap’s claim to “reflect real life”. Amnesia follows tragedy. Ronnie who? Roxy what?
They’ve gone awfully quiet about Disaster Week too, almost as if it were just a cynical stunt slotted in to win a soap award.
A forgettable road crash – which, by coincidence, is a perfect metaphor for the show.
In possibly the greatest affront to reality, the mangled railway bridge was completely repaired off-camera over the weekend.
They’ve moved on to the next big drama – the Vic’s leaking roof. Why doesn’t lifelong pub landlord Mick know any friendly builders? Why isn’t he insured? Maybe Sylvie’s friend – the Chinese millionaire Cha Ching – can bankroll him. That’s it, I’m done. I’ve been Dickie Ticker. Thank you and goodnight. HOW would you feel if your 65-year-old mum took up nude modelling like Anne, left? Her kids wouldn’t even appear on My Mum’s Hotter Than Me.
Embarrassing Parents would be a better title. Stripper Aimi, 42, made her son Harry cringe with her crude chat. “Would you f*** me in that?” she asked the director. Ah, the gentle art of seduction.
Margarete, 50, constantly upstages her daughters. “All my lad mates say, ‘I’ll bone that’,” revealed Rihanna, 19. She must be so proud. The women rely heavily on cosmetic surgery. Fake boobs, fake lips, fake fannies… and they’re on reality TV... chasing real men.
I’m all for people feeling good about themselves, but when self-obsession and showing off reach this level, surely friends would stage an intervention?
Unless they’re fake too. SARAH Rafferty, right, Suits…Six Nations rugby…Diane Parish, EastEnders… Emma Downham, Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week. ADAM Hills, left – as funny as a rusty prosthesis…Hunting Hitler…Kim Woodburn – nuttier than a Willy Wonka Crunch Surprise. TV QUIZ: Who served up raw springbok liver washed down with gastric juices on TV? Was it a) Heston Blumenthal b) The Colonel, on Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week or c) Jedward on CBB for a laugh?
Answer b, but given time… 3D TV getting the heave-ho before trying Nicola McLean Day. Modern phrases in historical dramas. Tracey Ullman’s dated spoofs. BBC News being more wound-up about US immigration policy than the slaughter of Middle East Christians. BOTH deeply associated with history. And if Baldrick had Oliver’s barnet, Melchett might have married him. A NEWLY-discovered human ancestor is described as “a tiny bag that was all mouth”. Wasn’t that Janice Battersby?