Proud Den’s bin a fool to herself
WHAT will happen to the Babushka dolls when the crappy quiz gets cancelled? How about a late night ITV2 spin-off starring their ruder cousins Excitya, Astridya, Oilyaup and Rideya? (And I cleaned that up). BRIAN Conley’s rib-tickling Bradley Walsh impression. The Civil War (Sky Box Sets). John Ryder QC, The Trial. Emma Rigby. Rock ’n’ Roll’s Dodgiest Deals. Arena: American Epic. Mick Carter’s plate hurling – it wouldn’t half liven up MasterChef. Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN HAS anyone ever put so many hours into one poxy GCSE as Denise Fox on EastEnders? Half-starved Denise has been pouring over those English literature books for so long she ought to be able to recite them backwards. Even people studying for a Masters degree in rocket science are saying: “Woah, take a break, love”. It can’t help that the titles are full of things she can’t afford to eat: Taste of Honey, Pigeon English, Animal Farm... Her plight suits the soap’s propaganda that “half the country is at food banks”. But it’s self-inflicted. Denise walked out of her job like she walked out on Kush and out of that food bank. The woman chooses to go without. She could do bar work, she could get a market stall (there’s never a wait in Walford). She could start shagging Ian again... Pride be damned, he’s got a restaurant! Snacks are his speciality! Besides, he’s not getting any at home and face it, she’s had a lot worse. Yet she’d rather scoff out of bins. It’s just a shame she can’t tuck into that massive chip on her shoulder. Mick’s storyline is loopy too. He bought the Vic outright with readies. Why couldn’t he take out a mortgage to fix the roof? Why couldn’t he borrow? (Mick asked about a no interest loan and the bank said: “We’re not interested.”) And why wasn’t Lady Di covered by insurance? Her condition was freshly diagnosed not “previously existing”. Yet hard-hearted Shirley, the woman who gave up her kids, forged Mick’s signature to sell the pub’s freehold in order to save the pooch... It makes no sense but then soap writers are more interested in pushing iffy agendas than in crafting credible plots. When they do come up with a headline-grabbing yarn, it’s inevitably recycled. “Who shot JR” begat “Who shot Phil” begat “Who pushed Ken” and “Who Killed Lucy”... I’ll let you in on a secret – Bobby didn’t do it. Lucy committed suicide! She topped herself after reading her story arc for the coming year. They’ve forgotten soap’s golden rule: Thou shalt not omit adultery. Mickney – if it goes all the way – can’t come soon enough. STUPID question of the week. Shirley Carter: “Do I look like an idiot?” Look one, sound one, are one, love. DENISE’s favourite English lit books: To Grill a Mocking Bird, Lord of the Pies, Three Men in a Broth... BRIAN Conley, right, (Palladium) – give him a show, ITV...Twin Peaks (SkyAt) – madder than a wet hen. YOUR Face Or Mine, left – the “Brexit bug” in the sausage of love...The President Show – sh*te house... Keith & Paddy Picture Show – Star Bores. THE tsunami of platitudes after the Manchester atrocity and TV’s collective failure to address the real issues. The “Who pushed Ken?” storyline on Corrie. All things must pass of course, but they’re dragging this out like a giant kidney stone. SO Daniel brained Ken with a poetry book on Corrie. He’ll ask for a second book to be taken into consideration as it was Byron get one free. Sorry. IF Nookie Bear fronted Impossible would they have to change the name to Incossiggle? POLITICS is really missing Spitting Image’s caustic wit. Could the Bigheads puppets be commandeered by a crack team of satirists to fill the gap? Daft idea. ITV don’t have a crack team of satirists.