Gongs Enders should’ve won
HAVE we finally reached soap saturation point? A feeble 3.3million watched ITV’s British Soap Awards.
The night’s glitter and glam couldn’t mask the underlying whiff of decline and decay any more than Phil Schofield, inset, can hide his bald spot for ever.
EastEnders won ONE gong. People were shocked – what had they done to even deserve that? The show’s been going downhill faster than Johan Clarey ever since Sean O’Connor took over as exec producer.
He’s done for soap fans what the dementia tax did for May.
In fairness, Enders woz robbed. Think how well they’d have done if the awards had played to their strengths, with categories like:
Most Tedious FingerWagging: They’ve lectured us on everything from “sexism” to the evils of the free market, throwing in some casual Brexit-bashing along the way.
Dumbest Episode: A 764 doubledecker, never seen before, somehow careened into Bridge Street market, pictured. A dozen or so locals lifted the 13-ton vehicle with unlikely ease.
No-one died. The bus was bound for Barking. The writer was already there.
Worst plot: A toss-up. Was it Vincent supplying sperm to “sister” Donna, Gavin re-enacting The Shining or Louise posting dog muck through Denise’s letter box? The poo was later recycled as Denise’s GCSE/starvation storyline. Loopiest Scene: Cockney locals stomping out of the Vic in protest at an old lady with dementia singing Spike Milligan’s “racist” Ying Tong Song. Most Ruined Character: Michelle Fowler. Runners-up: Jay Brown and Mick Carter (unless you bed Whit and kick out Shirley double lively, son).
Oddest twist: Steven Beale forgetting that he’s gay. Runner-up: Fat Pat’s ghost turning up. She’d been dead four years but had still put on weight.
Most Far-fetched Lurv Affair: Michelle and Preston.
Duffest doof-doof ending: Denise and her saucepan of pasta. Runner-up: Ian’s “I’ll put the kettle on”. The drama!
EastEnders hasn’t mucked up this badly since they went to Ireland and portrayed the locals as pig-thick drunks.
Its mix of p*ss-poor writing and hectoring propaganda saw viewing figures slump to just 4million in March.
Corrie is wobbling too. Instead of moving it to six episodes a week, ITV should cut it back and let it breathe. Emmerdale deserved their win, but Corrie did dementia first. With squeezed budgets and extra hours to fill, soaps are compelled to crank up the trauma and recycle old storylines.
How much murder and misery can one tiny, politically correct neighbourhood reasonably endure?